Monday, April 13, 2015

45, infertile and jealous despite being happy with what I have.

Fucks sake. 

I am in a funk and I think it's because I am suffering a low level of constant jealousy about other people having babies. This doesn't mean that I am pining and whining about it, nor that I begrudge the fact that other people are merrily getting on with expanding their families but...

...Two nephews in three months, fucks sake.  It's just kind of hard. yet I am happy, happy to have my one longed for precious first born who came from a very lucky first time IVF success. I never though I would have another, I never tried to have another, I never fret about him being an only child and in my worst parenting moments I am SO glad that I only have one child to fuck up. But on my god, what could have been if I had tried earlier, if I hadn't 'wasted' so much time with someone who didn't show any interest in having children until the day after he realised I was serious about ending our 13 year relationship. How I wish that I was brave enough to actively try for another. How I wish I could talk out loud to my 'I only want one' husband who, even if I were younger and my eggs were fresher, would still refuse to try for a sibling for my gorgeous boy.

They piss me off, slightly, these people who have so easily popped out their second and third children and weirdly the pictures on Facebook are annoying me despite the fact that my own constant face booking about my son is probably pissing off another infertile person somewhere. They piss m off for achieving something I never could and for just making me feel a teeny tiny bit resentful and worried about having an only child.

But I will get over it.