Monday, December 03, 2012


I feel so very judged these days. An example though, of how I manage to make myself feel. B takes his socks off at soft play, we all go into eat party food and B gets up from the table and starts walking around. Neither D nor I have thought to put his shoes and socks back on, someone comments 'oh, look at B,he has no socks on'. My mother steps in and says the right thing 'oh B loves taking his socks off, when he comes to mine he spends a lot of the day taking his socks off and feeling the different surfaces, like the door-mat which he specially likes to stand on and say 'prickly' because he likes the feeling on his feet'. 'oh, right' says the person with what my mother described as a non-plussed look. Meanwhile I have gone full on into 'oh no, he should be wearing socks' mode and am following him around attempting to coax him to put socks on which he clearly doesn't want to do. Cue resistance, wailing and tears. It was at this point that I realised 'I always do this' I take something a person says to heart, I do completely the opposite of what I and B want to do, he ends upset and I end up the mum in the room with the screaming baby.

I am determined to stop this. I need to be able to come back with an answer like mum did and stop worrying that people are judging me. Well, they are judging, but I need to stop giving a toss. I am being mean of course but I do think I need to start getting smarter with my answers, don't you? I want my son to be barefoot if that's what he wants, I want him to feel free to explore. I'm going to get smart and am going to keep on parenting the way I want.

Sunday, December 02, 2012

Nursery veteran?

A woman I know in work has recently come back from maternity leave and has put her daughter into the crèche that is attached to where we work. We are very lucky to have this nursery so close to work, it makes drop offs so much easier and when I first put B in I was able to goober to feed him at lunchtime, which I carried on doing until he was a year old.

The woman who has come back has been in quite a state, her daughter cries when she puts her in and through the day, then again on pick-up. I remember it so well. People I asked about the nursery only had good things to say but when you actually start putting your child in you do find yourself asking 'is this normal?'. Like the fact that sometimes there is no one to directly hand your child to, or that he is strapped into a 'rocker' every time you arrive to collect him and also those times you see another person's baby crying and no one is comforting them. And then someone asks you what your opinion of the nursery is and you hear yourself saying 'they are great' and 'B loves it there' because by now he does and the first few weeks of tears and walking across the crossing with a heavy feeling in the pit of your stomach are over.

So when this woman started asking me did I think she should say something about the use of the rockers I told her that I wish I had, I wish I had stood up for m son's elf are and insisted they not put him in them. I wish I had waited every time I dropped him off to make sure I could hand him to one of the people he knew. All I can do is sympathise with my colleague and tell her it does pass and hope that non of it left any psychological damage because now he does love it, he does know the majority of the people who work there and he's clearly coming on leaps and bounds.

I do wish people had been more honest with me about how utterly crap it can feel in the first few weeks though, and I have resolved to be honest if I am ever asked.