Wednesday, November 09, 2011

This too will pass

I had to delete my blog. I was gutted. however I discovered you can undelete it and so after some furious editing I may make it public again. If I were to tell you why I deleted it I may have to kill you ... but seriously, after the whole mumsnet fiasco D searched out my blog and read some of the angsty stuff I had posted and was upset. I instantly deleted it and then regretted it. I have now read the whole thing and while there were some things which were close to the edge I still believe I have every right to post the things I did in my own blog. The crazy thing is I thought I had made them private but I managed to muck that up too. I have deleted some stuff and edited others; hopefully there is now nothing 'bad' left to read. I was gutted as I thought I had lost all the stuff about my infertility and the IVF but thankfully it's back.

The Mumsnet posting thing rumbles on and I have gone from upset and apologetic to angry and defiant, mostly because I have been lied to... told that no one was searching my posts, told it was an nct buddy, told it wasn't, told that they were sent links in an email, told that other people will be told, told that people have a print out of my comments and so on. The wisest words have come from my mum who said 'it's an internet forum, you can say what you like'. Anyway it's not like I named them, posted their addresses and provided pictures and a map of how to get there. I made 2 comments which were silly and another in anger - which incidentally I stand by even now - giving Dr Pepper to an 8 month old baby is beyond stupid.

I have my suspicions about who sent the emails, it's one of two people I am sure - I just have a feeling. Not going to mention them here but I do wonder why it has all been blown out of proportion in this way, it has developed a life of its own and it's batshit crazy.

Friday, September 30, 2011


I am back in work and I am kind of loving it. I say kind of because I am not loving leaving B - or rather I am not loving picking him up and having to deal with the tears of relief (his) which make me feel like I have just abandoned him to hours of torture. What I do love is the time I get to myself, the fact that I can do stuff without interruption and the ability to have a conversation about something other than baby stuff. That's not to say B isn't on my mind most of the time, and on the tip of my tongue. I talk about him constantly, I have become rather boring. I also have to fake an interest in everyone elses children because that's all they seem to want to talk about (losers!) and it seems unfair for me to bang on about mine and to not at least enquire about the age/sex/personality of theirs.

The return to work did not go as planned, B got ill after his settling in and I had to endure a week of vomit, usually at night, often all over the bedding and basically a horrible soul destroying experience. Who likes being vomited on? Who likes being vomited on with the added worry that this might be the one which kills their child? Who likes being vomited on just at the point when they start to think 'oooh, he's not vomited for ages, parhaps he's better' or just after they have changed the sheets or clothes? It was horrible, he is better now but I hated it. I hate that I can't be all earth mother about this; I hate vomit, I don't handle it well and I just felt really annoyd with B for being ill. This makes me think I am a bit rubbish at being a mum and that makes me sad. I do find myself getting incredibly wound up by what I assume are really bog-standard baby related things like B not sleeping, B not wanting his nappy changed, B not eating, or B freaking out when I try to put his clothes on. I find it more stressful than my husband does.

Anyway - I am back in work, my maternity cover person has gone and from Monday I am back in the driving seat. It's like I have never been away. I just hope B settles into creche a bit better - and soon! I am going over to feed him at lunchtime and I am not sure if that makes things worse for him. He's definitely feeling better about it all but there are still tears, still upset when I go. They can't get him to sleep either but then the way they try is to strap him into a seat and jiggle him about. That wouldn't make me sleep either!

Monday, September 12, 2011

Seven sleeps to go...

Or times that by ten to account for the times I will be woken by B (teething), the neighbour (wailing like a banshee along with Muse), snoring (Husband) or the people who moved in across the roads (general Chav behaviour + extra added dogs). For simplicity's sake let's just say seven sleeps to go until I am back in work. This is not as bad as it sounds because I have lots of holiday to use up so can do lots of half days plus I am looking forward to the break! What I mean is I am a bit tired of being the 24/7 baby entertaining machine and it's going to be nice for someone else to take the strain.

Mind You, I am scared about B going into the creche. I am lucky because it's a 2 minute walk from work, I can go and breastfeed if I want and it's highly thought of and subsidised. However I hate the idea that for something like 43 hours a week B will be separated from me and I will only see him for a short while in the morning and evening. How the hell will I adjust to being back at work, or more to the point how the hell am I going to ajust to not haing a snooze at 11am and 3pm?

I took him in to the creche today to start his settling in with a very gentle one hour with the other babies and me. On Thursday we leap forward to 2 hours with the other babies and without me. I say babies, all I could see were six foot marauding child beasts who wanted to touch his face and perhaps more sadly seemed to all want to play with me - the obvious 'mummy'in the room. I saw babies pressed up against the door crying, babies sitting on the floor playing peek-a-boo with themselves and jammed into bumbos. I am sure I was just looking for the bad and that there was plenty of good going on but it made me sad all the same. I want to work, I am looking forward to it but I really do need to win the lottery this weekend so I can stay at home and continue to have a life. It seems I am stuck between working and having a bit of money and a bit of life or becoming a stay at home mum who only has a child centred life and no money to fund it. So off to work I will go.

How have I been preparing? Well I have spent the last few weeks decluttering, car booting and basicaly attempting to run a tight ship or at least get myself to a point where I can think about it. My plan is that I will have clothes ironed and laid out for me and B, food made for lunches and then a stress free morning should follow. To do this I need clear decks and so this is why I have thrown away most of my clothes, some of my books (gasp) and a lot of my clutter. It makes sense but it's slow work as I can only really throw stuff about when B is at my mum's on a Wednesday. Talking of that, it's been going much better and he's been going there from 9am to 4 or 5 for a few weeks now.

What other news. My sister is still pregnant and we are getting new windows. Husband has started his new job and excercising every lunchbreak - perhaps my dream of him losing weight and stopping the snoring is not so unlikely after all.

Monday, August 15, 2011


I looked at my scar last night, for the first time.I didn't want to look at it for ages because it felt awful and it represented all the things that went 'wrong' in my labour. Sometimes I think if Bob hadn't been in Neo-Natal, giving me something else to worry about, I might have found it harder to accept he way my labour went. It wasn't supposed to be the way it was but I am so grateful to have a healthy child that it feels wrong to complain or get upset. I do get upset of course but I never complain. I think a lot about getting hold of my maternity notes but never enough to actually request them, though I did a half-arsed search on the internet for information on how to go about getting them. Ho hum.

Anyway, it doesn't look too bad. The scar.

Friday, August 12, 2011

separation anxiety

Well, after my last post things went horribly wrong. I was just about to start hoovering when B (mum's boyfriend) called. B was inconsolable and mum was going to bring him back. 'Have you tried the teething gel?' I asked, 'did you take him into the garden and show him flowers?' but, yes, they had tried all that. Only an hour before my mum had sent some lovely photos of Bob having a great time and finishing up with one of him asleep. Getting him to sleep is one thing my mum has worried about. So it all seemed to be going well but apparently just half an hour into his nap someone had rung the doorbell and woken him up and he quickly went into meltdown. So I drove over and he was pretty much still freaking out when I got there. I doon't know if this is separation anxiety or just a combination of him not having his morning nap and then getting rudely woken from his sleep.

We had timed the pick up so that he might sleep in the car but I have a feeling mum may have kept him awake as she told me she doesn't like it when he goes quiet so she talks to him!! The problem with that is that he likes to have a nap 2 hours after he wakes and unless that changes he really does need to have that morning nap. My mum has to get used to that and has to stick to what he knows so wwe may need to chat about that. Anyway I have been around there again (yesterday) and he was a bit clingy but happy. We are going to start the whole leaving him all over again next week, starting gently with me taking him. I think a big part of the problem is that my mum has only ever seen him happy and so loses confidence in her ability to soothe him when he's not so happy. She panics and that makes things worse. I had to give her a hug when I got there as I could see it was really effecting her :(

I did manage to get his cot up though and the mattress has arrived so I am just about to try to put him down to sleep in the cotbed for the first time. Although in true attachment parenting style it is jammed up against our bed with one side down. Hopefully he will like it and I will get a better night's sleep. Just need the better half to lose some weight and stop snoring and I'll be fine!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

maternity leave draws to a close.

A little about B I think. He is not here at the moment and the house is so quiet. My mum has started coming over, picking him up and driving him to her house about 4-5 miles away. It's so he can get used to being with her before I start leaving him one day a week when I go back to work in September. This is his slecond long stay and he will be there about 5 hours. Last time he loved it so I really shouldn't worry but it is scary him not being here. I have loads to do so I can fill the time quite easily but part of me is always thinking 'I wonder if he's ok without me'.

My main job today is to put the cot up. He has never spent a night in a cot or crib because we have been co-sleeping but a few days ago he managed to pull himself right up onto the bed-guard and he's crawling about so much that we think he may have to go into the cot, at least for day time naps. It is quite scary how fast he has gone from sitting to crawling and now to puling himself up on things. I had thought that as he is a boy he might not do this for a while - they say boys are later developers - but I didn't even get much of a 'plonk him down in a sitting position while I wash up' stage. I posted on Mumsnet on 16th July about his crawling, asking if it was normal for babies to push right up on their toes with their bum in the air and how long it would be before he might crawl. Well the answer for B was about 2 weeks as he first crawled at my brother's house at the very end of July. Last time he went to my mum's I babyproofed the sitting room although we are definitely going to have to do something to secure the TV and to cover the buttons on the games consoles/dvd player etc. He has an obsession with crawling to the X-box and touching the button so it goes 'bing'. Well who wouldn't?

I am back in work on 19th September and so I am trying to enjoy as much time doing fun things with B. We have been to the park a lot because of the good weather. he's also spent a bit more time with other babies and children lately so hopefully he won't feel so overwhelemd at nursery. he is going to go for 4 days but my mum said recently that she might have him for 2 days if the one day works out ok. He does love it there and loves my mum's partner B too.

                                                           Here are some recent photos:


                                               With Elen who was born the same day.
                                                             Me and Bob

Thursday, July 28, 2011

good news about babies

I forgot to fill in the blanks RE my sister! She is now something like 15 and a half weeks pregnant, has seen a heartbeat again and has had a really good result back from her nuchal scan. The change in her is obviously huge, she is finally able to enjoy the pregnancy and has told people in work. A massive step for her I think. I am so pleased for her and just hoping now that it will be a trouble free pregnancy and birth.

My brother and his wife also have a new baby boy born last Sunday at home. Sounds like it was a quick pool birth and we are driving up to see them tomorrow.

Obviously all this is really great news and I am able to deal with these events in such a different way now I have a child of my own. I hardly recognise myself. I also worry that stuff I have written inthe past might be upsetting to read, specifically if it is read by my family. Perhaps I should lock down this blog again because I don't want to cause bad feeling. Everything I wrote about my infertility and all the issues surrounding it was from the heart and so not always kind and not always reasonable but I do stand by every word as it was just how I felt at the time and things like that do make you feel irrational and upset.

Edited to include pictures from the trip up north:

beautiful boy

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

good news

My sister had a scan today. She is 8+3 and they saw a strong heartbeat. I can just hear the relief shining through the text messages and emails she sent, though she is cautious too as her second pregnancy (this is her fourth) ended in the tenth week after seeing a heartbeat in the 8th. I just hope that this works out for her because she has had such a crap year and I know she is worried that she will never have a baby of her own and that she is too old (and mental!) to adopt. I have been worried about her because in recent days se has talked to me a lot about her depression and the effect this is having on her relationship. I hate to see her so unhappy and knowing that there's nothing I can do or say to help. I didn't have 3 miscarriages so I don't know exactly how she feels but I do know how it felt to have 1 and to have fertility issues so I imagine she feels even worse than I did.
I do know that as soon as you have a baby all that upset disappears and even as soon as you get past 12 weeks, then 20 weeks, then 34 weeks... it all starts to fade away bit by bit.

My brother and his wife are due to have a baby in the next few weeks. I imagine that will be hitting hard for my sister so I just hope this pregnancy is viable and that she doesn't end up having to deal with becoming and aunt and losing another baby all in one go.

Other good news is that my friend Becs is coming to Glastonbury and will be camping with us.. She's had a shit year with her mum dying and a friend killing himself a couple of weeks ago. I just hope she has a better rest of the year, maybe this could be the start.

Saturday, June 04, 2011

Baby Led Weaning

Wow... It's been ages since I blogged last. Everything is going well here; B is now 24 weeks-ish and today we gave him a little bit of food to try for the first time. It was strange watching him taste it all as he's only had breastmilk up to now. It felt kind of wrong. We're doing Baby Led Weaning and it's a bit scary because he did gag a couple of times. totally normal but scary. I don't want to be the panicking mum bit it's really hard not to want to leap up and grab the food out of his mouth!

I have sorted out his Creche place, he will be going Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday and mum will be having him on Wednesdays. There was a moment when I thought he might not have a place but we managed to sort it out. Plan is I will go back to work Mid-September though I will be taking holiday too.

My sister is pregnant again, fourth time in just over a year. I really hope it works out for her but she is freaking out which is really not surprising given that she has miscarried so many times. She is being really really negative, again very natural. I just wish she could stop stressing about the stuff which hasn't happened yet. Like how will she survive on maternity leave and so on.

SIL had a baby boy towards the end of March. 
I am still co-sleeping, still breastfeeding. D and I are doing fine even though at times it is stressful and I often feel like I am doing most of the hard work. This will change when I finally get B onto a cup and he's less reliant on my breasts. He is a wonderful child. I am sure all parents say that but he really honestly is so chilled most of the time, a really easy baby. He doesn't 'sleep through' but he does go right back to sleep after a night feed. He doesn't 'self settle' but will be rocked to sleep easily and in minutes. I know for a lot of people the aim is to get babies to a stage where they can be left to their own devices but you know what, I like hugs and I like singing to him and I don't want to stop co-sleeping so I am doing what I feel is right for me. It'll all even out in the end.

I got my Glastonbury ticket today and will be there in 3 weeks with B. Can't wait, just hope it is sunny.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Co-Sleeping and other woes

So I am sitting here thinking I haven't blogged in such a long time but I just don't have the time. I was about to log out but decided against it. The baby has been asleep for over half an hour (on me) and I have just put him down (on my bed) and am hoping he will sleep for a while. This is what we do, we are co-sleeping. I mean that in the true sense, B has never slept anywhere else but my bed... well, at night anyway. He has had a few naps in the moses basket, before he outgrew it, but apart from that I have had him in with me since we got him home. The Health Visitor at the breastfeeding group I go to says it's probably the best for him and me given the start we had and I agree; after not having that skin to skin bonding for 9 days all I wanted was to feel close to him.
 Her reaction is more positive than many I have had. My mum for example thinks it's a cot-death risk (yes it's true that some babies who co-sleep have died but more babies in Cribs and cots than in bed with their parents), my NCT group ladies would never consider it (some already have their babies in the nursery) and in general health visitorsseem quite negative about it. However it works for us. B is exclusively breastfed and co-sleeping makes it easier. He mostly sleeps from 11 pm to 6am, though the last few days he's been falling asleep earlier and then waking me at 2am, I think it is a growth spurt or he's going to start ajusting his natural sleep patterns.

I am loving being a mum, though it has it's moments of being very tiring and repetitive. Mostly it is good. We waited so long that I am not going to start moaning about it now! B is over 11 weeks now and is a very happy little boy, we get great smiles and sometimes little laughs. Of course we think he is very pretty and very well behaved, so far as a baby can be. We may have lucked out a little as he rarrely screams, drops off to sleep with a little encouragement and is very sweet natured.

The things I find hard are the fact that as his mum and the breasfeeder I am the one doing most of the work. Interrupted sleep doesn't bother me, but not having someone to take B off me for an hour or so is difficult. It seems like the only time I get long periods without him is if there is dinner to be cooked or floors to be mopped; as predicted I am still the one doing the bulk of the housework. To be fair on Dale he is still having to get up every morning and do a full day's work and sometimes it must look to him like all I do is go out and drink coffee. I meet up with the NCT people once a week, go to breastfeeding group, visit my mum, meet up with friends and so on but the alternative would be to sit in the house all day waiting for Bob's one hour naps so I can rush about setting the house straigt. Not much fun.

I will continue this later... here are some photos... from the top - with my mum, with mum again, loving my friend Steph, being fed.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

I am not a failure

Even if I do fail to get myself out of bed before 11am, actually 11am is pretty good going in my opinion. So what if I failed to make it to the NCT meet today because I was stuck on the back seat of my car just yards away from the cafe feeding a miserable baby while the rain lashed down and the windows steamed up.

B is cluster feeding like crazy and it's hard going, though he is basically a very chilled out baby and breastfeeding has, so far, been a doddle. He gulps his milk down though, which causes wind and discomfort for him. The health visitor suggests we bath him at night and chill him out with massage and low lighting which works for a while but usually by midnight he is back to fussing. Once he has a feed at about 2am he is pretty chilled out and will sleep for 3 - 4 hours. I really shouldn't complain but I can't wait for this bit to be over!