Saturday, June 19, 2010

nuchal scan

I have been wanting to blog for ages but knew I might get upset if I did. Our Nuchal scan gave us a 1:80 chance of Downs. This is only about 1.24% and there's a 98% chance the baby doesn't have downs but we have decided to have an Amnio because I need to know for sure. I can't have it until I am 16 weeks pregnant so have booked in for just after we get back from Glastonbury. It's all so scary. My risk when I walked in was 1:77 because of my age and it went up to 1:65 after they did the scan which showed a nuchal measurement of 2.4mm.

Now 2.4 isn't awful because they say anything up to 3 is ok but because of the crown to rump length of the baby they say it's not good. My bloods actually put the risk down to 1:100 but then when they combined the three it came out at 1:80. I cried and cried afterwards and thought a lot, maybe too much, about how I am going to be if we find out it is Downs and I terminate the pregnancy. At first I wasn't even sure if I wanted to have the Amnio because the fear of the result is so great I just didn't know if I couls bear it. In the end I went to speak to my very good friend Lis who had an Amnio with her youngest and also had quite high risks with all three of her kids. She is a special needs teacher so knows how tough it is to have a child with learning difficulties. Lis basically said to me that I musn't let other people effect my decision as it is me who will have to deal with a child with special needs and not them. The reality is I do not want to leave an adult with Downs Syndrome in the world when I die.

So the plan is not to stress about the Amnio and just enjoy Glastonbury. I do know that the man doing the Amnio has a very low miscarriage rate, though it's not miscarriage which scares me it's having to terminate such a wanted pregnancy. It would be the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I just hope that everything is ok. Basically my age is so against me and yet women all over the world have babies who are fine over the age of 40.

  I am worried about feeling crowded just after I give birth and when I am trying to learn how to breastfeed, when really what I want is a couple of days after the birth to just learn about our baby and have time alone with my husband. Breastfeeding really worries me. We are going to have to lay down some ground rules but I know they won't go down well. I have talked about it a bit with my husband but not made too much of a fuss yet as I don't want us to be having rows about something which hasn't happened yet and is so far away. I don't want to seem mean either but I don't do well in situations like this.

When I go into labour I don't want D to call anyone to tell them, I want to go to the hospital with him and not let anyone know. I want to tell people after the baby is here. Then if I get kept in hospital I am fine with people coming to visit me as it means they will be somewhat restricted by the visiting times. At these visits I want to tell people that D and I now want a couple of days on our own with out baby and so don't want any visitors. I have read that day 3 - 4 can be a difficult time after the birth of a child and so I want people to keep away until after then. Then I am happy for people to visit but only if they arrange it first with me and D and don't overstay their welcome. People will have to be gone by the evening and no one can stay overnight.

I hve no way of knowing what my birth will be like or how easy I will find it to establish breastfeeding. it may all go really well but I still want to have that time alone as a family without people assuming they can call in without notice. People have said to me that it will be useful to have his mum or my mum there because they can do the ironing or the housework. To which I reply, what ironing? What housework? That is not how my life works and even if it was it would be D who would pick up on those things not my MIL or my Mum.

Friday, June 04, 2010

Coming Out

We had the Nuchal Scan and bloods today. I was so relieved to see a hertbeat; sometimes it feels like there is nothing in there and so I was scared we would get bad news. The results of the bloods won't be available until next week but I feel quite reasured by the scan part. The measurement for the neck was 2.44mm and the nasal bone was present. Everything seemed normal and I am itching to tell people. We have talked vaguely about coming out on Monday after the dating scan. I wonder how stupid that would be? Can I go with the good scan or am I setting myself up for a fall when I get the blood results on Friday? Why not wait just a few more days?

I also have to plan how I am going to do this. Most of my closest friends and family know about the IVF and know I am pregnant so it's really just work people and distant friends that I need to tell. After all these months of hating seeing other people's scans on facebook I feel like I might be betraying my principles by announcing it on Facebook yet it seems like the easiest way to come out. I am thinking that just simply posting the scan is the best way to do it but I also want to use it as an opportunity to highlight that not everyone gets pregnant easily or quickly. Would it be too much to post that wonderful 'what IF' video I wonder? I want to be open about the fact I had IVF but I am unsure how people will respond to it particularly because of my age. I feel a bit like people might judge me badly for it.

This is the scan picture from the Nuchl scan, it's not very good. Hopefully I will have a better one on Monday.

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Busy Week

We have the Midwife on Thursday and the Nuchal scan on Friday, all paid for. I am a bit scared about both. What if the Midwife thinks we are a couple of tramps who live in a shack and don't deserve to have a child, what if I don't like her much, what if the scan is bad news? I had terrible dreams last night, or at least I did when I was actually managing to sleep. I had a dream that I was smoking and saying 'ah but just one won't hurt' and that we went to the scan only to discover there was no baby. I suppose anxiety is normal at this time.

On Wed/Thurs I will be 12 weeks exactly and I have gone down to just one pessary a day now. Oh and D and I finally had sex! We'd not done it since before the IVF; he had to abstain a couple of days before and then they told us not to, then I was too scared, then we both were too tired. So it's been more than 2 months since we last did it! Quite a change considering that we'd been at it all the time for about 2 and half years in our fruitless attempts to have a child naturally.