Tuesday, December 15, 2009

FSH

Long time no blog. Just been a bit hectic plus I have had nothing major to moan about so there we go. Still waiting to hear about both the IUI and the funding decision. Not sure when I should start chasing them but am thinking if I don't hear anything then it's probably best to give myself a break from worrying about it and just start chasing in the New Year.

I had a letter yesterday about getting a loan through Halifax. While I think it would be good to get rid of all my small debts I just wonder is it really a good idea to start thinking about taking out a big loan? D seems very keen as he thinks we could do some house improvements (We need new windows) and I think perhaps we should go for it and just have IVF - but the thought of owing £300+ a month for the next 4-5 years!

Not sure also if I mentioned that I got my FSH repeated test back and in 9 months I have gone from 12.5 - 16 which is bad news. They say they might not recommend IUI but would rather I have IUI. Guess I will have to wait on the funding decision before I panic.

Monday, December 07, 2009

The future's not bright

So I made the mistake of calling for my FSH results. Not good news. I had a level of 12.5 in Feb but now, 9 months later (oh the Irony), it's 16! So basically I think the general feeling is that I am fucked. The nurse I spoke to said that with that level they would be more likely to suggest IVF than IUI. We just can't do IVF though - not unless someone gives us £4000. I still have my AMH test to come back which they say will give them a better idea but it wasn't fantastic before. I wish I had never asked for the tests to be repeated, ignorance is bliss.

I think I have to come to terms with the fact that it's just never going to happen. Oh I have so much to write but really what's the point in wallowing on this crap. I may as well get used to the fact that I will never have children and start prepring myself for when everyone else around me starts pushing out baby after baby. Ruth wants to meet up some time but at the moment it couldn't come at a worse time. Mum is meeting me for lunch on Thursday but I just want to cancel as I don't want to talk about it and neither do I want to 'not talk about it'

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Amanda knox, Mumsnet and i.u.i

Been another funny few days on Mumsnet. this article in the Daily Mail, of course, sparked this thread. It also meant a whole lot of people commented on the Daily Mail site (scroll down) and in particular people from 'rival' parenting threads. It's all so childish. Though it did lead me to this thread on anothr forum from a woman who posted on Mumsnet about 'gentle parenting' and then got offended by other people's opinion. Welcome to the internets.

Though I think her comments are downright odd really, for example: "Playgroups are full of stressed out babies with agressive behaviours. they are usually cared for by nannies and au pairs who just leave them to cry or threathen them all the time.", and it's no wonder that she got the reaction she did.People are funny eh?

I've also been Reading a lot about the Amanda Knox and Raffaele Sollecito case in italy. A good summary of the evidence is here. Personally I am not convinced that any of the DNA or circumstantial evidence is strong enough to convict them but sadly I suspect the Italian Court system may work against them and they could be sent away for something which they did not do. Have been discussing it online in a few places including this forum which I mistakenly thought might be full of bright trainee legal people but actually seems to be the opposite.

And so to my own personal news... D and I have been to an open evening for IUI in the Heath. It was really informative, certainly learned a lot I didn't know. Like that I will have to inject myself for 2 weeks and that I will have to have drugs which temporarily put me into the menopause! Eeeek. Oh and thought there's only a 20% of it working, if it does there's a 30% chance of a multiple pregnancy! Anyway - we are on the list now and decided on iui rather than IVF mostly because of the cost involved. All we can do is hope it works. I think we will be seen sometime in the new year. I have also written to appeal the decision not to fund me for fertility treatment in the hope that we can get some cash towards either more iui of eventually ivf.

Oh and I am so fat :( weight 10 st 8 last week but now 10 st 5. So I went for a jog today and intend on doing some excercise every day so that I can try to lose 2-3 a week between now and christmas.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I officially need assisted reproduction techniques

...and I have no one to talk to. D seems to almost bark at me when I try to discuss our options and always ends up saying 'well there's only 3 choices' or 'let's do that then'. I am feeling pretty destroyed.

Basically we went to IVF wales and we have 3 choices. Do nothing. Do I.U.I (over £1000) or do I.V.F (£4000). I don;t know what to do but both the consultant and D seem to think I should go sttraight for IVF. I always thought we would try IUI first but I can see how it might be that we throw £1000 at it and still nothing happens. What sense does it make, though, to throw £4000 at it and still have nothing happen. Is 4 rounds of IUI better than 1 round of IVF?

Apparently I can appeal the decision not to fund my IVF on the NHS, which I will do but it's all a bit late to be telling me this now - isn't it?

One thing I really can't seem to explain to D is that if we go for IVF it'll be me who has to go through it all, me who has to deal with the stress, the injections, the drugs, the procedure. It'll be me who has to take time off work to get it all done and it is me who feels like a complete failure.

D says not to worry about money but how the hell am I not supposed to worry about finding £4000? On top of that I now move into the 'has to have IVF' catagory and I am just fed up with all the people looking at me with so much sympathy and yet without understanding what the hell they are being sympathetic about.

Oh and on top of this I got some spotting today to this month's clomid obviously hasn't worked either.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Tomorrow

Tomorrow we have our appointment with IVF Wales. Our 3rd appointment in a year. It's time for us to ask about I.U.I. To move on to the really serious stuff. I am dreading being told that I am too old, that we can't have it. I am equally dreading more testing, more drugs, invasive stuff. I know it is neccessary but it scares me because it is me it will be happening to. Me. no one else, but me. As well as the emotional shit I have to put up with I will have the physical stuff on top. I have no one to talk to, no one who really understands or sympathises.
Fertility blog

Friday, November 20, 2009

Amanda Knox

Don't know how much you know about this trial but my firm belief is that if I were on the Jury I woud find both Amanda Knox and her Boyfriend NOT GUILTY. The evidence, or so called evidence, is patchy at least and from what I have read it seems perfectly clear that the man already convicted of her murder is guilty. He had sex with her that night in what looks, from the forensics, like it was forced. He fled the country straight after the murder and then when he was caught he had injuries to his hand, probably caused by the weapon he used to slit her throat.

this site seems to be dedicated to proving that Amanda Knox is guilty, yet when you read through the evidence and the witness statements they seem so unconvincing. From what I have read it seems clear that Rudy Guede raped and killed Meredith Kercher before fleeing and then trying to implicate Amanda Knox, and Raffaele Sollecito once he was caught an after he found out they were being held as suspects. His (Guede's) DNA is all over the flat, particularly in the room where the crime took place. It seems utterly ridiculous to me that they are ever going to be found guilty, but stranger things have happened.

I would love to know how these things can mean anything in this trial:

"From the very start, investigators suspected a woman had been involved in the murder. Meredith Kercher, naked save for a sweater pulled up above her chest, was almost completely covered by a quilt. A forensic expert confided that covering a corpse was a gesture of pity, more typical of a woman than a man. "

This is just stupid In my opinion: So women are more likely to cover a corpse as a gesture of pity? Maybe the killer just wanted to hide the body to give him time. The door was locked too. Is that something a female killer would be more likely to do? Or perhaps just another attempt to keep the crime hidden as long as possible?

"That day, Knox’s face betrayed no sign of anguish or sorrow when police took her to the cottage to help them search it. Inside the cottage, when investigators asked her about the way Kercher may have died, Knox made the same gesture again and again: “She’d press her hands to her temples and shake her head, as if she was trying to empty her brain of something she’d been through,” a judicial source said, adding that she may well have succeeded in erasing “the most dramatic parts” of the night’s events" source

or perhaps she was actually quite distressed by the events. Maybe asking her how the victim died was just such a stupid question to be asking and maybe Amanda Knox wasn't exactly in the right frame of mind to be discussing how her flatmate might have died.

"by the evening of November 3, Knox was apparently calm enough to buy two thongs at a lingerie shop with Sollecito. A shopkeeper overheard Sollecito say to Knox as they paid for the purchases: “You can put these on at home and we’ll have wild sex.” "

Ok - maybe a little odd after discovering a flatmate has been murdered but not exactly firm evidence that either person was the killer. From what I have read they were in a new relationship, presumably sex was pretty high on the agenda. So they bought underwear, so what? And anyway - so what if it was thongs? Presumably her house was out of bounds and so she had no clothes. Underwear is probably the most basic thing you would need and her choice of underwear shouldn't be a big deal.



There's also stuff about how the Victim didn't really click with Amanda Knox and commented to that effect in letters and emails home to her parents. Blimey! Does this mean that every time I say something not exactly complimentary about someone I work with or know then it might be used to build a case against me if they are killed or die?

... and this is interesting. Guede is arrested 2 whole weeks after the murder, with loads of DNA evidence putting him at the crime scene and no DNA evidence to suggest that he had been a close enough friend to any of the other accused to have visited their acommodation. presumably by the time he was arrested both Knox and Sollecito have been implicated in the murder giving Guede a perfect 'out' whereby he proceeds to create a story which involves the two other suspects and paints him as someone trying to help. To me it's obvious that he for some reason is hoping to turn attention away from himself and onto two innocent people.

"Police admit Rudy never called or emailed Meredith, Amanda or Raffaele. Police found no trace of them in his apartment, nor did they discover his DNA in Raffaele's flat. Yet he is supposed to have participated in a sex game with the three college students that ended in Meredith's refusal and death. A theory for which the prosecution has presented little evidence, other than numerous attempts to portray Amanda as sluttish and manipulative. A black widow. Judge Paolo Michelli, during the pretrial, took the conspiracy for granted. He boasted that he began his reasoning with all three suspects in the murder room. So much for innocent until proven guilty."

Which is weird as I have read today (in a Telegraph article I think) that Knox sent text messages to Guede. Totally false yet another example of how the press can run away with false information while tryig to sensationalise a murder case.

"One thing is certain: Rudy didn't belong in the upstairs flat in the cottage. He had never been a lodger, boyfriend, guest or anything else. Yet police found his DNA on the victim, inside her body, on her purse and in other locations. His conviction was no surprise."

this  which is about her myspace is also an interesting look at how facebook/myspace etc can be used against a person.


 

Thursday, November 19, 2009

and so it goes

deleted

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

An Education

what is probably good news for many many women in Wales is just distressing news for me. I have once again been set on a path of googling and worrying. I am not eligable for this new round of free IVF because I was never eligable for free IVF. They class the point of referral as the date you first see them rather than the date the GP has sent a letter. So I, as we all know, Missed the 38 years and 6 month cut off date by just a couple of months. I was never going to get it for free. I don't even know if at almost 40 I will be able to have it privately or how long that will take. I have never been put on any waiting list, not even for private treatment and I feel this has never been explained properly to me.

I am going to see them on Tuesday and have a list of questions and all the relevant info is written down:

March 2008 – 21 day test 6.3 (18-28)


Repeated later (Not sure of results but showed I ovulated)

28th Sept 2008 letter RE referral

21st January 2009 – First appointment with IVF Wales

Feb 09 - 3 day blood test (FSH) 12.2

11th March 2009 – HSG

March 2009 - AMH test 10.5

Clomid – April

12th May 2009 – positive pregnancy test

4th June 2009 – Scan showed no heartbeat

12th June 2009 – measuring only 6.2 weeks and still no hearbeat

14th June 2009 – miscarriage


I have also just noticed that they have a counsellor there at IVF wales and yet, not even when I had my miscarriage, I have never been offered their services. I feel like for some reason they just don't want to help me. I have worked myself up into a tizz now, not what I am supposed to be doing.  D says we can pay but can we really - can we afford up to £4000 for aomething like IVF and will we have to first spend £1000 on IUI?  I realy hate this, I don't want to be constantly reminded of other people's good fortune. I just want a little bit of good fortune for myself for a change.
 
Went to see this last night. was very good.

later: I had a bit of an email conversation with Dale's Sister-in-law, Vic, about the whole process. She has been trying for a bay for 8 years. She got pregnant through IVF early in the year but miscarried. I suppose I shouldn't get so worked up about my situation but I am older than her and I am just so worried. This has become such a big part of my life and I hate it. Perhaps I am just too old, perhaps I should give up.

Monday, November 16, 2009

the end of the road

So I recon we probably missed it this month. I have had no signs whatsoever of ovulation; no positive OPKs, no Eggwhite Cervical Mucus, no ovulation pains. wonder if I am actually ovulating at all. I just read a very depressing blog about Clomid in which the author (a fertility expert) said prescribing clomid can be a 'death sentence' to a woman's fertility, particulary for older people. I actually genuinely think this is it, I will not have kids. To have them now would be a complete fluke I think. We have the appointment with the doctor at the end of this month and I am just going to ask her to be straight with me, tell me if there is any point at all in continuing. And then what - I guess we will just have to be happy as a childless couple. We will have to tell everyone that we have given up I think.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

How can you not get it

Here I am, Day 15 of my cycle with no signs of ovulation at all but knowing that it's really very important to keep having regular sex and yet it's Saturday morning and the last time we had sex was Wednesday evening. I feel like we keep missing the opportunity because there always seems to be something stopping us and if we do manage it it's so forced that it hardly feels worth it. Last night we went for a meal for someone's birthday which was fun but the only two lengthy conversations I had were about my infertility. Once with someone I really like and who managed not to patronise me but kept to the basics and didn't feed me any of that 'it'll happen' shit. The second was with someone who was pissed and it was all a bit too 'you're a great person so it will happen for you' to me.  Seems she wants to be my new best friend which is fine and everything but the fact that she compared my inability to have children with her inability to find a boyfriend just made me feel a bit annoyed. She can easily find a boyfriend, I can't easily have a baby - particularly if I don't actually manage to have any sex with my husband.

So last night when D finally came up to bed he just couldn't get why I was so upset. Upset that despite having stressed how important it was for us to have sex he didn't initiate it, he didn't stay sober, he didn't come up to bed earlier, he didn't even seem bothered that I was upset despite me spelling it out to him plainly. We have a 24 - 36 hour window when I ovulate and if we go 48 hours without sex then we might be missing that window. We have had sex a grand total of 3 times this cycle and it's just not good enough.  I am not on Cloimid for a laugh. I am on clomid to help US have a baby and so it's really important that we actually attempt to do so. I really do feel like there is no point to it all now.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

don't think about it

I hate Clomid so it's probably a good thing that this month is my last but one, eh? Have been having some weird head aches this month, not sleeping well, waking up feeling groggy etc. We have the appointment with the consultant on 24th November and I guess we will then move onto IUI. Just been told that someone I know has just got pregnant through IUI. Not sure if this is suposed to make me feel hopeful or not. I am trying so hard not to obsess about my situation and to just get on with life but I am still having those moments where I have to repeat the mantra 'don't cry, don't cry' and where I have to actively dismiss the negative thoughts which creep in... 'don't think about it, don't think about it, don't talk about it for fuck's sake don't talk about it'... Then someone always comes along with some advice or some inspirational story to fuck it all up.

One thing which worries me about IUI is that the timing has to be so exact. I am guessing that each procedure can only be done once in a month and so the £500+ you pay for a 'round' of IUI is for one insemination. Also the site I linked to above says "In a given cycle, the possibility of conception is 10% to 20% provided the sperm count is good and the female has a healthy fallopian tube. The woman’s age is also a deciding factor on the success rate, since advanced maternal age results in fewer follicles maturing into eggs." and also more worryingly that you have to be under 40. I am 40 in 5 months so if there is a waiting list I really don't know what I will do. ... and now I am winding myself up about it all again 'don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about it'

In other news D is sanding the bathroom and Hallway and the stairs. just found out that 'there is dust everywhere' and it seems it's because him and his brother have sanded with the doors to different rooms open! We have 2 people staying with us this weekend (d's friends) and I spent last night making sure the place was at least presentable and telling him to make sure the doors were shut while they sanded but now I just can't be arsed because it seems like when I get home there's going to be a film of wood dust all over everything . I just think I will leave it as it is, let him deal with it if he's going to have people around-  why should I waste my time and energy clearing up something which could have been prevented? I knew there would be some dust but FFS.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Several things

There's loads I want to write about but haven't had time and don't have teh time now so am Just going to put a few reminders in here and then update later if I get a chance.

firstly this which was reported as 'woman tweets joy at miscarriage' which I thought was putting a spin on it which wasn't really neccesary! What she actually said on twitter was "I'm in a board meeting. Having a miscarriage. Thank goodness, because there's a fucked-up 3-week hoop-jump to have an abortion in Wisconsin." which to me looks like someone more pissed off with the USA Abortion laws than full of joy at the miscarriage.

Another thing was this which I wanted to write about but will do later.

And finally - from what I can remember I just want to remind myself to have a rant about Macrobiotic diets, or rather the suggestion from D's friend that I follow it to help me conceive. Naturally in everyone elses eyes it is ME who has the problem which needs rectifying, not D. Despite the fact that we have been tested and have 'passed' every one. Ho hum.

Monday, November 02, 2009

The latest update from me

I keep telling myself that I have to pull myself together and accept that shit happens and it's no one's fault it's just the way it is. It's a kind of self-preservation thing I suppose; rather than wallow in self-pity and misery all the time it's perhaps better that I try to get on with things. I am miserable though. Another month and no pregnancy. I have just started something like my 27th cycle and am back on the Clomid again. Hoping for the best this month of course, just like all the other months. Perhaps if I don't get my hopes up too high then they won't crash down so badly. I can pretty much guarantee that this time next month I will not be pregnant, why should I be? We have an appointment at IVF Wales at the end of November. Well, I say we but I don't know if D will come. Supposedly I will be asking about the next step though I know the next step is IUI and a very low success rate.

Anyway - I'd better not start writing about all that because this is when the self pity starts to roll in and as we all know ignoring the situation is a whole lot better for me emotionally so, yes, I had better stop.

I have decided too that I need to stop talking to mum about it. So that's another person off the list of supportive people. I don't have much support at all do I. Ah well - shit happens.

I ended up going to Penarth to see my brother and sister in law and their baby, well I was there anyway after dropping my sister off at some do so thought I should at least call by. It was ok I guess. Mum looked worried, she is still pushing me to go back to the doctor for counselling but the more I think about it the more I recon it will upset me to have someone talk to me about something they can't possibly sort out for me unless they are prepared to impregnante me with good baby making sperm over the couch. So I don't think i will go, I will just talk myself back down every time the baby thing starts to infiltrate my brain. Blocking it all out is surely the way to go. Oh and there was no pregnancy announcement so I guess I got that wrong too.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Time to stop

I have decided to stop blogging on myspace and just use this place from now on. Am also going to make a massive effort not to go on and on and on about the infertility issue. What't the point frankly. Though it will be an effort because I am reminded every day of other people's success. I have had enough.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Can I turn a corner?

I need to. I have to do something to get myself out of this awful mess. I said to mum yesterday that I might consider going back on the pill. At least that way I get to control the situation. If I actively stop myself from having children then I can at least try to live a more normal life. Anyway - who knows what will happen this month but the signs don't look good. I feel like I am about to get my period. Just had a message from my brother about him being down for a few days, then a message from my sister asking what my plans were for meeting up with them. My plans so far are to hire a sander and get the bathroom sorted out. Perhaps if I concentrate on that all week then I won't have to worry about other stuff. I don't want to meet up, even though I am starting to think that they probably haven't decided to come down to announce a pregnancy but rather to let mum spend some time with her only grand-child.

Realised how guilty I feel for not having children. How much it must upste mum and D. What if the only grand-children she has are many many miles away for the whole of their lives and she never gets to have a close realationship with them? On the other hand there's the chance that K will do better than me at having kids if that's what she and T decide to do.

Monday, October 26, 2009

go to sleep crying... wake up crying

It's not right is it? I am severely depressed now. All because I know my life is really quite shit. I am still pretty much as miserable as I was when I was living with only now I am miserable in a smaller house and with less money. Life sucks big time. I think I am about to get my period and I have peope sending me useless information about expensive Chinese herbalists in London in an attempt to get me pregnant. Oh  know the intention is good and they only want to help but short of giving me a few grand there's not much they can do to help. I really need to pull myself out of this funk and to do that I need to get pro-active.

Friday, October 23, 2009

just because you're paranoid...

I just had lunch with my mum and she said that she wanted to bring something up with me and hoped it wouldn't upset me. She asked if I had considered the possibility that Brother and sil might be coming down to tell us they are pregnant again. I was so relieved! I told her that I had and what my plans were and that I was glad that she was thinking along the same lines and understood totally why I might not want to be there. Sadly their visit coincides with my period being due so it would make it a particularly bad time to be told news like this. Chances are that there is no way they are pregnant and chances are that it would all be fine but I am not prepared to put myself into that position.

Mum cried. We were talking about the scan I had when I was told the pregnancy wasn't viable. I sometimes forget that the whole thing was so hard for her and that she obviously finds it really hard to see me so upset over all this. In a way I suppose she lost a grandchild as much as I lost the opportunity to have a child.

She asked me what she should say to brother if he asks how I am! Bit of a weird question so I asked her would he just be 'asking how I am' or would he be 'asking about my fertility' and that all she needed to say was I was ok. I hate to think that they might all be discussing me in great depth but sometimes these kinds of comments make me realise that they are, and a lot more than I am comfortable with.

Mum also offered to help financially if we do have to have IUI or IVF. So that's very sweet.

4.08pm

I feel depressed now. A woman has just come in to the office and told us she was pregnant. That isn't what has upset me. Basically she has suffered from bad endometriosis for years which has put her into hospital several times and she's has a couple of operations too. She explained to us all baout the drug Clomid and then how it got her pregnant first time round. It's not this which has upset me - well apart from the fact that I have to sit here and pretend that I have not heard of clomid before and so I am really interested to learn about it - no it's the fact that I knew what was coming next...

Work mate basically turned to me after pregnant lady had gone and said 'see, it gives you hope doesn't it' Well no - actually it doesn't. Not with 2 years of trying to get pregnant, 4 months of clomid and a miscarriage behind me. Hope is not what I would call it.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Am I being silly?

I told D that if my brother and sil come down then I don't want to go over for a meal with everyone at mum's house. Why? Well I am just super paranoid that I'm going to end up in another situation where I have been summoned to hear the good news about a second pregnancy. It would of course be great news for them but after the last time I really don't want to be stuck in mum's house surrounded by family and having to sneak out of the house for a cry. I just strongly suspect that this will happen at some point and it's really quite shit to be told something like that and then have it dawn on you that you are the last to know. Oh I am probably being ridiculous but tell me in an email or something, don't make a big song and dance of it, just keep it low key.

Oh I don't know, I suppose people have to walk on egg-shells all the time when it's anything to do with me but I kind of feel like I am being treated like I am stupid.

Sunday, October 04, 2009

'how are you?' 'I'm not ok actually but thanks for asking'

I am feeling really really shit. I feel like the only way I will ever be able to forget about having children or not having children would be if I were to die. I actually think being dead would be preferable to how I feel now and so I recon things must be pretty bad, eh?

I am sure this will pass but I truly truly believe I have no one to talk to and any one I do talk to just doesn't understand anyway. With their lovely perfect lives and their retarded attempts to make me feel better.

sod's law

Got my period this morning. Typical bad timing.

I feel full of dispair and I feel like time is marching by. In 6 months time I will be 40. Do I just stop then?
I have ordered a book about coping with childlessness on teh internet. I don't suppose it will help. I have a feeling that there will be another baby announcement before long. I have a feeling that if getting my period makes me burst into tears then very likely that will too.

I need a plan. I need to not be around. I need to work out what else to do with my life.

I am confused about the privacy settings on this site and am not sure who is reading my blog. It makes me nervous.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

Baby news

My best friend has had her baby. A waterbirth, no drugs, a boy weighing 6lb 14 oz. He was born at 2.16pm.

I am so happy for her, I cried. I cried for her and I cried for me. I knew this was going to happen and that there was no stopping it and I am trying not to be selfish and just think about me me me but it's hard. Today I found the maternity jeans I bought just before the miscarriage earleir, stuffed into the cupboard out of sight. Weirdly yesterday I found the nappies I bought under the stairs. She says I will love him, I am sure I will. I have to go and see them, maybe tomorrow but I don't want to bombard them so who knows when it will be? Why do these things happen when I am just about to get my period? I am on day 26 of my cycle which is a day over what I used to average at and 3 days shorter than last month. I tested yesterday - stupidly - and it was negative. Ever since I had the last pregnancy I have clung on to the fact that I had a negative at day 26ish and then a positive on day 30/31 and I hope that this will be the case again. I would miss Glastonbury for this. Of course I would. I aslo know I am probably hoping against hope. I will get my period on Monday or Tuesday and then I will have to start all over again.

See... Much as I try to be happy for my riend it is hard, so hard. Also I am running out of friends to talk to.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Roman Polanski

Roman Polanski newspaper reports from the time of his pre-trial and trial in 1977 for the rape of a 13 year old girl:


The Associated Press May 20, 1977,

Roman Polanski's prosecutor said at a pretrial hearing Friday that a quantity of the drug Quaalude and photographs seized from the film director "substantiate almost every point" of rape and drug charges lodged by a 13-year-old girl.
Superior Court Judge Laurrence Rittenband denied defense motions for dismissal, for an extraordinary preliminary hearing to inquire into the girl's sexual history or for any pretrial deposition taken from the teen-ager.
Deputy Dist. Atty. Roger Gunson said
Polanski, 43, had Quaalude tablets, a tranquilizing drug, "on his person and in his room" when he was taken into custody March 11. He said the photographs placed in evidence at a grand jury hearing were those that Polanski took of the girl for the French edition of Vogue Magazine.He declined to tell reporters whether the pictures show the girl in nude.
"There are photographs recovered and Quaalude tablets . . . that substantiate almost every point she testifies to," said Gunson.
His statements came after
Polanski's attorney, Douglas Dalton, claimed that the only physical piece of evidence corroborating the girl's story is a pair of semen-stained undergarments which he claimed cannot be connected to the Polanski case.
"The victim wasn't wearing the garments at the time the officer arrived," Dalton said.
"She went to another part of the house, got the garment and gave it to the officers."
He suggested that the 13-year-old might have had sexual intercourse with someone else that day.
Dalton also said that the girl has testified that "she was drunk at the time" she was alegedly given a Quaalude tablet by
Polanski.
"She said she'd been drunk on other occasions and had been under the influence of Quaalude on other occasions," he said.


The Associated Press August 8, 1977, ...

Movie director Roman Polanski, red-eyed and nervous, pleaded guilty Monday to unlawful sexual intercourse with a 13-year-old girl, the least serious of six drug and rape charges against him.
"I had sexual intercourse with a female person not my wife under the age of 18," Polanski, 43, responded to a prosecutor's question.
The maximum sentence for the charge is 5 years in jail, But Dist. Atty. John Wan de Kamp, who recommended that Polanski's plea be accepted to protect the identity of the girl, said afterward that sentences of 16 months to three years are generaly imposed.Superior Court Judge Laurance Rittenband, who accepted the plea, ordered psychiatric examinations for Polanski and sat a hearing for Sept. 19. Sentencing would come sometime after that.
Polanski, a France citizen of Polish background said in the packed courtroom that the relized one possible consequence of his guilty plea could be deportations.
In a neat gray pinstrips suit, polanski admitted he amd the girl had sex March 10 at the Mulholland Drive home of actor Jack Nicholson and said the knew the girl's age.
"I understand her to be 13," Polanski said.
"Did you understand her to be 13 when you had sexual intercourse with her?" asked Deputy Dist. Atty. Roger Guson.
Polanski, paused, conferred with his attorney, then said said quietly: "Yes."
he had been charged with drugging and raping the girl. The prosecution said its acceptance of a lesser plea would avoid a sensational trial which could traumatize the girl.
A lawyer for the girl's family. Lawrence Silver, said: "Astigma would attack to her for the rest of her lifetime."
Van de Kamp's statement suit, "we chose to . . . provide the victim with the opportunity to grow up in a world where she'll not be known as the young girl with whom Roman Polanski had sexual intercourse."
Outside, pursued by an army of cameramen, Polanski snapped. "Don't you have the decency to leave me alone."
The hearing came on the eve of the eighth anniversary of the murder of Polanski's wife, actress Sharon Tats. She was slain Aug. 9, 1939, with four friends at the Polanski was in Europe at the time. Manson and the followers were convicted of the murders.
In return for the plea, the prosecution recommended that the judge drop the five other counts of Polanski's indictment: furnishing a drug to a miner, lewd or lascivious act upon a child under 14, rape by use of drugs, Perversion, and sodomy.
The most serious were those involving drugs, which carried sentences of 10 years to life imprisonment.
If sentenced to a year or more, Polanski would be suject to deportation under U.S. immigration laws, which provide deportation for aliens convicted of crime of moral turpitude.
Joseph Sureck, district director of the Immigration and Naturalization Service, said Polanski had applied for a change of his alien status to become a permanent resident of the United States.
"But everything more or less is held up right now pending the outcome of the court matters," he said.
Sureck said the INS would take no action regarding deportation until after Polanski is sentenced.
Polanski, known for his fascination with macabre subjects on the screen, won fame with such films as "Rosemary's Baby," "Knife in the Water."
"Macbeth" and "Chinatown."
He was on assignment for the French edition of Vogue Magazine when he hired the teen-age girl to pose last March.
It was alleged he took her to Nicholson's home while the actor was away, gave her champagne and the drug quaalude, then raped her.
The girl's sister overheard her telling a boyfriend about the sexual encounter on the phone and told her mother, police said. The mother filed a complaint and Polanski was arrested.
At first, Polanski's attorney, Douglas Dalton, said he would claim the sexual encounter never happened and the girl fantanized it.
But Gunson said Monday that Polanski changed his mind primarily because of actress Anjelica Huston's decison to testify against him.
Miss Huston, daughter of director John Huston and Nicholson's longtime roommate, reportedly said she arrived home while Polanski and the girl were in a bedroom.
The district attorney's office agreed to drop Miss Huston's prosecution for cocaine possession when she offered to tesify.

The Associated Press September 19, 1977

Movie director Roman Polanski, who has pleaded guilty to unlawful sexual intercourse with a 13-year-old girl, Monday was ordered imprisoned for a 90-day psychiatric study to help the judge decide his sentence.
However, the 44-year-old
Polanski, director of such movies as "Chinatown" and "Rosemary's Baby," won a three month delay of his incarceration in order to finish a movie he is making in Tahiti.
Superior Court Judge Laurence Rittenband, noting the teen-age girl "look older than her years" and was sexually experienced, nevertheless scolded the director for taking advantage of her.
"ALthough the victim was not an inexperienced and unsophisticated young girl," the judge said, "this fact was not a license to the defendant, a man of the world in his 40s, to engage in an act of sexual intercourse with her, however submissive or uninhibited she might have been."Rittenband, who received reports from psychiatrists on
Polanski's mental state, ruled that the director was not a mentally disordered sex offender. He said the teen-age girl and her parents had asked that Polanski not be imprisoned.
But Rittenband said he is mindful of public concern about the problem of rape. "This heinous offense is also of profound concern to our judicial system," he said, adding that the crime to which
Polanski pleaded guilty previously was called statutory rape.
As
Polanski stood calm and silent beside his attorney, the judge described for the first time the young model whose identity had been kept secret since Polanski was first charged last March with rape and drug abuse.
"The probation report discloses that although just short of her 14th birthday at the time of the offense, the victim was a well-developed young girl who looked older than her years," the judge said, "and regrettably was not unschooled in sexual matters.
"She has a 17-year-old boyfriend with whom she had sexual intercourse at least twice prior to the offense involved." He said that perhaps the boyfriend should also be charged with a crime.
Rittenband said the girl also "was not unfamiliar with the drug Quaalude, she having experimented with it as early as her 10th or 11th year. This was the same drug furnished to her by the defendant."
But the judge said none of this excused
Polanski, who had contracted to photograph the girl for a French fashion magazine. prosecutors said he took her to the home of actor Jack Nicholson while Nicholson was away, fed her champagne and Quaaludes, then committed numerous sex acts with her.
The probation report indicated that she consented. The judge said it made no difference.
"The law was designed for the protection of females under the age of 18 years," the judge said, "and it is no defense to such a charge that the female might not have resisted the act."
He chastised the girl's mother for permitting the teen-ager to go with
Polanski unchaperoned.
But the prosecutor, urging a prison sentence for
Polanski, said the mother had been wrongly blamed by the public for her daughter's predicament.
"The mother asked to go on that photo assignment," said Deputy Dist. Atty. Roger Gunson. "It was Mr.
Polanski who suggested the mother not go because it might inhibit the girl at the photo session."
Polanski's attorney, Douglas Dalton, argued for straight probation. He cited the director's tragic life, an apparent reference to his childhood in a Nazi concentration camp and the murder of his wife, actress Sharon Tate, by the Charles Manson family.
" . . . He stands before this court with a conviction of unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor," said Dalton. "It's not even a criminal offense in about 13 of our states and many places in the world . . . it is a serious crime, but not a unique crime. It's a crime that has been committed by police officers."
Dalton was alluding to a recent scandal in which Hollywood police officers had sex with teen-age girl explorer scouts.
The judge ordered
Polanski to appear at the state prison facility at at Chicago on Dec. 19. He scheduled sentencing for three months later.
Outside court, Gunson said, "There is a strong likelihood of probation following the 90-day study."
The technical effect of the judge's decision will be for
Polanski to spend some time in prison without having the record of a prison sentence against him unless he is eventually placed behind bars under a formal sentence.
Among the problems
Polanski faces is possible deportation. However, the law provides automatic deportation only for those convicted of crimes of moral turpitude who are sentenced to one year or more in prison.

The Associated Press February 1, 1978...

Film director Roman Polanski fled the country to avoid sentencing for a sex offense involving a 13-year-old schoolgirl, his attorney revealed to the stunned spectator crowding a courtroom Wednesday.
A bench warrant was immediately issued for the arrest of the 44-year-old fugitive director, a French citizen. If he is arrested in another country, extradition proceedings might be needed, the judge said. He also indicated Polanski could be sentenced in absentia if he does not show up within 10 days.In London, British Airways officials said Polanski arrived at Heathrow Airport early Wednesday. They said the airline's reservations desk in Los Angeles gave Polanski the last seat on BA598, one of two daily British Airways flights from Los Angeles to London, and he landed at Heathrow at 11:47 a.m. 6:47 a.m. EST.
It was not known whether Polanski was staying in London or whether he had gone on the Paris.
Polanski, who was married to murdered actress Sharon Tate and is famed for such films as "Rosemary's Baby" and "Chinatown," could be sentenced to serve up to 50 years in prison. Any sentence over one year would mean automatic deportation, unless the judge recommended otherwise.
Attorney Douglas Dalton, who was to represent Polanski at Wednesday's sentencing, shocked the packed court with news of his clients's flight.
"Your honor," he told Superior Court Judge Laurence J. Rittenband, "I received a call from Mr. Polanski advising me he would not be here this morning."
"Well, where is he?" the judge asked.
"I do not believe he is in the United States," Dalton said.
He declined to reveal where Polanski had taken refuge but said he would try to persuade him to return. He said Polanski promised to phone him again to discuss the matter.
Deputy District Attorney Roger Gunson said latter, "I suspect he is in a country where a plea to unlawful sexual intercourse would not be an extraditable offense. It could be in France."
He noted that Polanski, of Polish descent, maintains a home in Paris. He was believe to be traveling on a French passport.
Polanski, who pleaded guilty to unlawful sexual intercourse with the Woodland Hills schoolgirl, was released from prison Friday after 42 days of psychiatric tests which were to help determine his sentence.
He had been held at the California Men's Institute at Chino during the diagnostic period. However, during nearly one year of litigation on the matter, Rittenhand had permitted Polanski to travel freely abroad on $2,500 bail, and he always returned at the appointed time.
Since Miss Tate was slain in 1969 by the Charles Manson family, Polanski has not owned a home in the Los Angeles area but has stayed at various hotels while working on films.
Last March he was arrested and charged with raping and drugging the 13-year-old girl during a photography session at the home of actor Jack Nicholson. Nicholson was out of town at the time.
At first, Polanski said he was innocent. But after lengthy negotiations with authorities, a plea bargain was announced.
Polanski pleaded guilty Aug. 8 to one sex offense in return for dismissal of five other sex and drug charges.
Polanski had originally planned to go to Tahiti after his legal troubles were over. He had been signed to direct the movie "Hurricane," filming in Bora Bora. But while he was in prison, producer Dino De Laurentiis announced he was dropping Polanski from the picture because of the uncertainty of his future availability.
De Laurentiis named Swedish filmmaker Jan Troell on Wednesday to succeed Polanski as director of the disaster epic.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

miscarriage

I am feeling very bitter about the pregnancy.


I got my period yesterday and it's really heavy. I think that's a side-effect of the clomid. I have basically bled through the pad, the tampons, my pants.
I hate it so much. My period was late too so I was starting to get my hopes up.

There's another issue, one which I feel mean writing about but it is an issue and it is upsetting me.
About a month ago I read on mumsnet that Brother and SIL were planning a naming ceremony/birthday party for their daughter. I casually mentioned it to my sister and she said 'oh I know, they told me'... I was a bit shocked because no one has said anything to me about it. Anyway, I tried not to let it get to me but then about 2 weeks ago I was having lunch with mum and she said 'so what day will you be going up to the naming ceremony' or something like that. I just replied 'well, to be honest mum, I haven't been invited yet'. Was really pissed off by then as presumably everyone has been talked to about it except me. Started to worry is this because of my infertility? Are people so worried about what to say to me that they choose to say nothing at all?

Anyway - as if by magic I received an email the day after, inviting me to the naming ceremony, which I accepted gracefully. Didn't make an issue of it, didn't ask brother and SIL about it, just accepted. It pissed me off at the time but put it to one side and got on with things. Then at the begining of this week for no real reason I received an email from sil kind of apologising for being left out of the original email which was sent to parents etc and stressing that even her own brother hadn't been informed. So this, being so out of the blue, must surely be because she has realised (been told) that I had been left out, or that I was put out by being left out? Great, an apology (if that is what it is) is fine and dandy but I really don't like the thought that someone has been basically talking to them about me. Also it was not so brilliant timiing as the day after I got my period which slammed it right home to me that, yes, I am infertile and, no, I am not going to be having a baby myself. Now I really just don't want to go to the naming ceremony. Well I do, but I don't want to go if I am going to be looked upon as the poor sister in law who can't have children of her own and has to be treated delicately or ignored because it's all too much to deal with.

Am I over dramatising things? You bet I am. This is because I am in the middle of a shit week where once again I am reminded that I can't conceive.

I am just one big head fuck. I hate being given this label of being the poor one who can't have kids. How am I supposed to move on? I'm going to keep having periods until god knows when and so I will have a constant reminder every month. This was the first month my period made me burst into tears when it arrived.

K, by the way, has split up with D. God I wish I could give the back story of this. Basically she was with D for 15 years, married for 3. He is on medication for Bi-polar and she was finding it hard going, had even sat down with him to talk about how things needed to change as she was really unhappy. Anyway, that combined with a growing friendship with someone we used to know as kids resulted in her ending things with D, moving out and now she is talking of having children. She is two years older than me. I have told her 'start now' but, just like me when I ended my relationship, she wants to be (Has to be) cautious about moving too fast with the possible future father of future babies. A tiny piece of me things 'oh no - what if she manages to have a baby and I don't' which while a bitter thing to think is not completely unreasonable... I mean how the hell would I deal with that one?

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

talking to walls

I sometimes feel like I am not worth listening to:

I also wonder if somewhere along the line I have lost the ability to read people properly. Either that or I am just very good at it and everyone is weird around me. We went to see U2 at the weekend and went with D's friends E and S. I like E she's probably more my kind of person than some other more shiny people. Still I felt like she just didn't click with me.
Anyway - I really enjoyed the gig but sometimes I feel like such an outsider. I can't work other people out. There was an incident where I was pushed by someone and knocked over 4 pints of beer which E and S had put on the floor. I was really apologetic but it wasn't really my fault and at the same time I felt really blamed.

Ho hum.

Today I have finally tackled D about the finances, working out that he only pays £24 in 'rent' to me a week. It's all sorted now thankfully, and with a minimum of fuss so I feel a lot better about the whole business. We got to this stage through bills going up and not ajusting the amounts he was paying. Hopefully I can now start to sort out my finances.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Ikea is full of little babies

Ikea is full of little babies ......


Went to Ikea after work with my pregnant friend R. A brilliant choice. Sigh. I am on day two of taking the Clomid and so wonder if this is why I am so pissed off with everything? It's so hard to remain positive and up for two hours while sharing space with a very pregnant friend.

Tim Minchin.............. is playing Cardiff

 and We are going to see him! Hooray.
Should be fun, hopefully he'll do the good stuff.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UB_htqDCP-s

“Storm”
Inner North London, top floor flatAll white walls, white carpet, white cat,Rice Paper partitionsModern art and ambitionThe host’s a physician,Lovely bloke, has his own practiceHis girlfriend’s an actressAn old mate from homeAnd they’re always great fun.So to dinner we’ve come.
The 5th guest is an unknown,The hosts have just thrownUs together for a favourbecause this girl’s just arrived from AustraliaAnd has moved to North LondonAnd she’s the sister of someoneOr has some connection.
As we make introductionsI’m struck by her beautyShe’s irrefutably fairWith dark eyes and dark hairBut as she sitsI admit I’m a little bit warybecause I notice the tip of the wing of a fairyTattooed on that popular areaJust above the derrièreAnd when she says “I’m Sagittarien”I confess a pigeonhole starts to formAnd is immediately filled with pigeonWhen she says her name is Storm.
Chatter is initially bright and light heartedBut it’s not long before Storm gets started:“You can’t know anything,Knowledge is merely opinion”She opines, over her Cabernet SauvignonVis a visSome unhippilyEmpirical comment by me
“Not a good start” I thinkWe’re only on pre-dinner drinksAnd across the room, my wifeWidens her eyesSilently begs me, Be NiceA matrimonial warningNot worth ignoringSo I resist the urge to ask StormWhether knowledge is so loose-weaveOf a morningWhen deciding whether to leaveHer apartment by the front doorOr a window on the second floor.
The food is delicious and Storm,Whilst avoiding all meatHappily sits and eatsWhile the good doctor, slightly pissedlyHolds court on some anachronistic aspect of medical historyWhen Storm suddenly she insists“But the human body is a mystery!Science just falls in a holeWhen it tries to explain the the nature of the soul.”
My hostess throws me a glanceShe, like my wife, knows there’s a chanceThat I’ll be off on one of my rantsBut my lips are sealed.I just want to enjoy my mealAnd although Storm is starting to get my goatI have no intention of rocking the boat,Although it’s becoming a bit of a wrestleBecause - like her meteorological namesake -Storm has no such concerns for our vessel:
“Pharmaceutical companies are the enemyThey promote drug dependencyAt the cost of the natural remediesThat are all our bodies needThey are immoral and driven by greed.Why take drugsWhen herbs can solve it?Why use chemicalsWhen homeopathic solventsCan resolve it?It’s time we all return-to-liveWith natural medical alternatives.”
And try as hard as I like,A small crack appearsIn my diplomacy-dike.“By definition”, I begin“Alternative Medicine”, I continue“Has either not been proved to work,Or been proved not to work.You know what they call “alternative medicine”That’s been proved to work?Medicine.”
“So you don’t believeIn ANY Natural remedies?”
“On the contrary actually:Before we came to tea,I took a natural remedyDerived from the bark of a willow treeA painkiller that’s virtually side-effect freeIt’s got a weird name,Darling, what was it again?Masprin?Basprin?Asprin!Which I paid about a buck forDown at my local drugstore.
The debate briefly abatesAs our hosts collects platesbut as they return with dessertsStorm pertly asserts,
“Shakespeare said it first:There are more things in heaven and earthThan exist in your philosophy…Science is just how we’re trained to look at reality,It can’t explain love or spirituality.How does science explain psychics?Auras; the afterlife; the power of prayer?”
I’m becoming awareThat I’m staring,I’m like a rabbit suddenly trappedIn the blinding headlights of vacuous crap.Maybe it’s the Hamlet she just misquothedOr the eighth glass of wine I just quaffedBut my diplomacy dike groansAnd the arsehole held back by its stonesCan be held back no more:
“Look , Storm, I don’t mean to bore youBut there’s no such thing as an aura!Reading Auras is like reading mindsOr star-signs or tea-leaves or meridian linesThese people aren’t plying a skill,They are either lying or mentally ill.Same goes for those who claim to hear God’s demandsAnd Spiritual healers who think they have magic hands.
By the way,Why is it OKFor people to pretend they can talk to the dead?Is it not totally fucked in the headLying to some crying woman whose child has diedAnd telling her you’re in touch with the other side?That’s just fundamentally sickDo we need to clarify that there’s no such thing as a psychic?What, are we fucking 2?Do we actually think that Horton Heard a Who?Do we still think that Santa brings us gifts?That Michael Jackson hasn’t had facelifts?Are we still so stunned by circus tricksThat we think that the dead wouldWanna talk to pricksLike John Edwards?
Storm to her credit despite my derisionKeeps firing off clichés with startling precisionLike a sniper using bollocks for ammunition
“You’re so sure of your positionBut you’re just closed-mindedI think you’ll findYour faith in Science and TestsIs just as blindAs the faith of any fundamentalist”
“Hm that’s a good point, let me think for a bitOh wait, my mistake, it’s absolute bullshit.Science adjusts it’s beliefs based on what’s observedFaith is the denial of observation so that Belief can be preserved.If you show meThat, say, homeopathy works,Then I will change my mindI’ll spin on a fucking dimeI’ll be embarrassed as hell,But I will run through the streets yellingIt’s a miracle! Take physics and bin it!Water has memory!And while it’s memory of a long lost drop of onion juice is InfiniteIt somehow forgets all the poo it’s had in it!
You show me that it works and how it worksAnd when I’ve recovered from the shockI will take a compass and carve Fancy That on the side of my cock.”
Everyones just staring at me now,But I’m pretty pissed and I’ve dug this far down,So I figure, in for penny, in for a pound:
“Life is full of mysteries, yeahBut there are answers out thereAnd they won’t be foundBy people sitting aroundLooking seriousAnd saying isn’t life mysterious?Let’s sit here and hopeLet’s call up the fucking PopeLet’s go watch OprahInterview Deepak Chopra
If you’re going to watch tele, you should watch Scooby Doo.That show was so coolbecause every time there’s a church with a ghoulOr a ghost in a schoolThey looked beneath the mask and what was inside?The fucking janitor or the dude who runs the waterslide.Throughout historyEvery mysteryEVER solved has turned out to beNot Magic.
Does the idea that there might be truthFrighten you?Does the idea that one afternoonOn Wiki-fucking-pedia might enlighten youFrighten you?Does the notion that there may not be a supernaturalSo blow your hippy noodleThat you would rather just stand in the fogOf your inability to Google?
Isn’t this enough?Just this world?Just this beautiful, complexWonderfully unfathomable world?How does it so fail to hold our attentionThat we have to diminish it with the inventionOf cheap, man-made Myths and Monsters?If you’re so into ShakespeareLend me your ear:“To gild refined gold, to paint the lily,To throw perfume on the violet… is just fucking silly”Or something like that.Or what about Satchmo?!I see trees of Green,Red roses too,And fine, if you wish toGlorify Krishna and VishnuIn a post-colonial, condescendingBottled-up and labeled kind of wayThat’s ok.But here’s what gives me a hard-on:I am a tiny, insignificant, ignorant lump of carbon.I have one life, and it is shortAnd unimportant…But thanks to recent scientific advancesI get to live twice as long as my great great great great uncles and auntses.Twice as long to live this life of mineTwice as long to love this wife of mineTwice as many years of friends and wineOf sharing curries and getting shittyWith good-looking hippiesWith fairies on their spinesAnd butterflies on their titties.
And if perchance I have offendedThink but this and all is mended:We’d as well be 10 minutes back in time,For all the chance you’ll change your mind

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Angst of a woman who miscarried

Trying to explain how I feel about other people being pregnant is just so difficult. What goes through my mind is irrational and stupid and I know it is when I am thinking it. On the other hand the latest announcement really does have more effect than just your bog standard pregnancy announcement. D's friend Sarah is pregnant with her second child. I knew this because he told me while we were queuing to get into Glastonbury. Not sure why he told me at that precise moment, so soon after the miscarriage infact when I was still bleeding from the Miscarriage but there we go. Anyway - she has officially announced it on her facebook now, as people do. Complete with the following comments:

"I had no idea for quite some time either! The shock's just beginning to wear off. To be replaced by the fear...."

and

"Stupid more like lol! Thanks for the congrats everyone. Let's just say this is a happy accident!"

Trouble is that this happy accident is due the week after my not so happy accident was due. So we basically conceived around the same time - a week apart. Me after months of planning and her just by accident. We were both at the same wedding, both pissed as farts, both pregnant and not knowing it. I lost mine, she didn't. If things had been different we would be going through the pregnancy together, perhaps even sharing the experience. Now I have the fact that she will be giving birth at the time I should have been to look forward to and it's just a reminder I don't need.

I hope that I get pregnant soon, I hope that if I do I manage to keep the baby. I hope the Clomid (Which I start taking today) works for me. I can't bear the thought of going from month to month again just hoping and wishing only to keep getting my period. On top of it all I really hate when I get like this. All this obsessing and stuff. I can't stop myself. I seriously need to find a distraction of some kind or I'll go mad.

Monday, August 10, 2009

song

A song I like

I like

Rape

Someone linked to this

on a forum I use, I thought it was interesting so I am posting it here.

this

Not Pregnant now



I am not pregnant anymore :(





Really I should blog here a bit more often. Basically had a missed miscarriage. We went for an early scan and they couldn't find a heartbeat so I had to take some pills to miscarry. It was that or wait or have it surgically removed. The whole procedure was awful and very very painful. Painful emotionally of course but the actual physical pain was awful. I miscarried just before Glastonbury and was still bleeding while there so it was just an awful time (Though I did enjoy Glastonbury) and I am so glad it is in the past.





I had a period last month and was feeling quite positive about getting pregnant again but have just got my period so it's back onto the Clomid for me as of tomorrow. It would have been so nice to get pregnant naturally - a honeymoon baby. Yes - I am married! We got married on 24th July and the sun shined. Was a really nice day and nothing went wrong. Lovely day, lovely speeches, lovely time had by all, wonderful food, great dress etc.





Anyway - I need to stop myself from gettng negative. I can't help but worry that last time I got pregnant (After the first course of clomid) was just a fluke and it just won't happen again. Who knows I suppose. It's back onto the TTC train for me and it really hurts. My period was 5 days late this month so no wonder I had hope. Am feeling myself get all stressy again about other people being pregnant or gettng pregnant. I am also dreading the TTC sex which is just soul destroying really. I don't want to be timing things perfectly and worrying about the right things hitting the right spots.
It's now 4 hours later and as if by magic the pressure descends. Just had D on the phone talking to me about the Clomid, when will I start taking it, when will I be ovulating? etc etc. Then to top it all 'what about next month - will you be ovulating when I am away' and hey ho all of a sudden here I am worrying about timing sex in 6 weeks time. Excuse me while I swear but for fucks sake! I was given 3 months at 50mg and got pregnant the first month. No way of knowing if it was the clomid or just a massive coincidence and even if it was the Clomid there is no way of knowing if the timing of the sex was hugely important or not. Can you see why the whole idea of starting to try for a baby again is just really freaking me out? I want to be able to have normal spontaneous sex and there's nothing less spontaneous than planning when you are going to shag six weeks before you are going to! Right now I can do with out the hassle. Day one of my period, the horrible stupid evidence that I am not pregnant yet again. I have been trying for 24 cycles and have fallen pregnant once and that was the one month I took the Clomid. Once these next 2 doses of clomid are used I am not sure what to do. Should I go back to the IVF people and get a higher dose? Do I really want to be upping and upping the stupid doses of a drug which isn't really for women like me who ovulate on their own anyway? I read that it doesn't really have any other benefit than making you ovulate and apparently I already do. Is the time drawing near for me to give up on this stupid plan then? When will I stop feeling so jealous and bitter about other people. Let's face it, they are not going to stop pushing out babies are they so I may as well just throw in the towel and somehow lobotomise myself to the fact that everyone else finds it so easy.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Pregnant

I'm Pregnant

Thursday, March 12, 2009

It IS Julie Myerson!

Excuse the Daily mail Link http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1161332/Youre-addict-mum-Son-Julie-Myerson-says-shes-hooked-exploiting-children.html but this woman has been denying the fact that she is the author of the 'living with teenagers' piece in the Guardian for months if not years. Now that she has published a book all about her son's so called Drug addiction she has had to come clean! That's since her son commented in the press that she was 'obscene' to call him an addict and write so personally about him in the national press. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/4951593/Jake-Myerson-brands-his-mother-obscene-over-drug-addict-claims.html


he's now said "'Just last week I had a meeting with my sister and brother about how we can stop them. My mother may have written about me this time in The Lost Child, but they know they are next. Maybe one day my mother will realise that she's the one who's addicted and is deluding herself.' "

All through this she has denied that the 'living with teenagers' colum was hers, infact just this week she once again said it was not true on the Jeremy Vine show on BBC2. I think perhaps her son is correct when he says she and her husband will never admit when they are wrong.

Anyway - just the fact that she was finally outed is entertainment enough for me.

HSG

So - I think I might give this Blog a go. It is essentially private.

I had an HSG yesterday http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hysterosalpingography which was a procedure to see if my tubes are blocked and if that might be the reason why I have not got pregnant yet. It only took a few minutes and the initial findings are that my tubes are not blocked. So it is back to IVF Wales I go! I was referred and had my first appointment a couple of months ago after trying to get pregnant since October 2007. I think the next step will probably be a drug called Clomifene http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clomid which will supposedly make me release eggs. Not that I don't ovulate, I do, but seeing as my 'infertility' is so far un-explained it seems that they will prescribe the Clomid to give me a helping hand. Am not sure that I want to have it because there are side effects but we'll see. Part of me wishes they had found something because at least then I might have an explanation. I guess I just need to wait to see what they say when I go back at the end of the month.

All this has been so hard, and more so because I feel so gutted about the fact that J got there first and without effort. I have a neice now. I have to live with the knowledge that I am struggling to conceive and even worse that I might never manage to get pregnant, which is so difficult. I am pretty sure he and J will pop another one out in the next year or so and that is going to be even harder to deal with. I hate having to deal with the emotions I have over this whole thing, I hate also the way other people are towards me.

Among all this anguish I am trying to arrange a wedding. The date is set for 24th July this year and I am no way as excited about it as I am led to believe normal brides are. I am just not that into it. I am really starting to dread the being looked at, the being judged. I feel like I won't be nearly as loved-up as I am supposed to be. No gushing speeches from me, no declarations of undying love. Really I am much more likely to think 'well, this is good, it could last, let's not hold our breath but I'm sure it'll be good for a while' Which isn't what people want to hear. They want to hear 'I have found my soulmate and I hope to travel on a journey of love and discovery with my mate by my side' kind of tripe! Ho de hum.

D was asking me about how pregnant I would be at the wedding if I got pregnant now, so I think he has high hopes that we will get pregnant soon. Again I am more realistic. We have been trying for 15 or 16 months and not been successful so why would we be successful now? They say that having the HSG can mean that some people seem to be more fertile just after but I am not holding out hope. We'll see.