Thursday, December 28, 2017

I need a new hobby and so I have convinced myself the time is right to get my blog up and running again. This meant having a bit of a conversation with myself about how I wanted to be as a blogger. I know the trend (and perhaps the expectation) is for blogs to be bright and positive and to present a life of joy and kindness through an Instagram filter where no bad is spoken of. Either that or you have to be full on Katie Hopkins. I want to be honest, and let’s face it this will be all about me me me so it’s going to be truthful, however I just can’t risk running into the same old trouble I did before when discussing friends and family.

Oh, by the way - as if things couldn’t get any worse - did I tell you my husband left me earlier this year?

So clearly I need a new hobby because my life has shifted somewhat. I work part time, I get tax credits, live with a 7 year old and sometimes in the evenings I cry. I am so very good at giving the impression that I am coping, and I am coping most of the time, but there are moments when it all seems so horrible and nightmarish that I just sit in my house alone and weep like a small child. Tonight was one of those nights so that is why I have picked up my iPad and decided to blog.

Current situation: 7 year old at dads, I have spent the day in town with a friend then fetched all my vinyl from the roof and then spent an hour worrying that perhaps I should have just left it up there. Then I had wine and watched little women on BBC 1, then I cried. Not because of Little Women but because I miss my son and when I am alone it gives me more time to think about how sad my life is.

I should go to bed.

Monday, May 08, 2017

Stop telling me how shit I am

I have had a hell of a few weeks.

In March I was finally made redundant more than a year after being told I was being let go. In the end I chose to go slightly earlier because I found another job working as a school librarian which is part time and badly paid and not really what I want to be doing but, despite a tricky first week, has turned out to be better than I thought it would be. I just can't do it forever.

I left my old job of 17 years on a Friday afternoon after a dismal leaving do, which my boss failed to show her face at, and started my new job the following Monday which in hindsight was probably the worst thing I could have done. I should have taken a break but instead I plowed on and now I am a bit of a wreck. I don't think, despite the year long wait, that I gave myself enough time to process what was happening. So I spent the first week of my new job putting on a brave face and then bursting into tears as soon as I walked out to the car-park. Because it is only part time I then spent most afternoons moping on the beach I moped on when I was a 17!year old or sitting in dreary cafes feeling sorry for myself. I also visited my mum and cried on her which didn't help given that she really thought that I was wrong tomtake the job in the first place. Anyway - it is better now; the teenagers are not as scary as they first seemed and I now have time to sit about in cafes drinking coffee and being slightly happier. I still worry about where I go from here, how and when will I find a job that is full time, well paid and interesting? What if I never do? I have visited my old work a couple of times and once again put on my brave face when I pop into the office and have to speak to the person who is sitting in my chair, behind my desk, doing part of my job that I loved so much.

I feel bitter and angry towards my boss and the corporation. I often wonder why it was me who was chosen; why it seemed like a good idea to someone that a woman in her 40s with a small child would be the one to choose. I like to kid myself it was a random unavoidable decision based upon business need but the masochist in me believes it was personal, planned and unfeeling. I hate my old boss with a passion and I often wish the same on her, but that would be unkind.

I am, as a result and because of other horrific shit, feeling insecure and bereft. Not only am I basically jobless and cast-off but I also seem to have attracted a shit load of people who seem determined to pick away at me, my parenting, my personality and my relationship which is adding to my feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem.

First a best friend chose to pick on my parenting and tell me I needed to 'sort it out in the next couple of weeks' and then I went on holiday with my Mother-in-law. Really I only have myself to blame, I mean what kind of idiot would do that? After an uncomfortable week I ended up being summoned and yelled at by a woman who should have known better and who had drunk a little too much. Apparently I can't control my child, can't cope with him, am making my son and my husband unhappy and talk bullshit.  That was just part of it. Which of course has left me feeling like shit and second guessing all my choices and actions. It doesn't matter how much I try to tell myself I am a good parent it all goes tomshit when you have different people telling you how bad at it you are. So my self-love is at rock bottom and I seem to be crying a lot.

Then today some old witch at Beavers basically told my son he wasn't welcome to come anymore because he has problems settling in and makes a bit of a fuss about me leaving him ther. He is six. She is sixty something and should know better but it is just another sad old woman trying to domparenting old school and being completely bamboozled by a parent who actually listens to and respects their child. Who wants to be in fjcking Beavers anyway? Fuck them all.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Redundancy - March 24th 2017

I am 46. I am married to a 40 year old (man). I think my boss, the one who chose my role to be made redundant, is labouring under the misapprehension that I have a rich husband who can pay our mortgage. I think this because it is the only thing that could explain why she has forwarded me a job which would pay me a pre-tax wage of £16,000 and why she thinks I would give up my healthy redundancy payment in favour of a job which pays me £10,000 less than I earn now.

My options are:

Try to get another job here which would mean me retaining my long-service leave and other perks and no gap in employment.

Take the money in march and look for another job or re-train using the very generous redundancy payment I would get.

Find another job now and leave once I have served my notice but without the redundancy payment.

Wednesday, April 06, 2016

How quickly the bitterness can take hold...

Been an absolute age since I poured out anything here but I am going through a redundancy process which, although I have been fairly chipper about up to now, is starting to cause me some anxiety - so where better to come and what better to do that start blogging again?

I don't want to lose my job


I don't think I want to work here any more.

I had the choice of taking voluntary redundancy but have let it go to compulsory - I will be here until March 2017 so I have a regular income and will keep paying into the pension and so on. In the mean time I am supposed to simultaneously work my arse off to find a new job (Here - so I can hold on to all my perks, pay, etc) and 'de-aquisition' everything about my job. De-aquisition. Is that even a word? It's a word my boss presented me with when she suggested we meet up to work out a timescale for the next year in which to completely get rid of all the things that make up my employment.

So it's shit. I know I am going, I have to take part in the process of getting everything sorted.

At first, when I was told, I was shocked but felt a bit buffered by the very good redundancy package that I will get and also the fact that by going to compulsory I am supposedly in a better position as far as getting a new job goes. I cried that day, of course, but I stayed in work and I got on with things.

I have just had a week or so off with B for Easter and today is my first day back. First thing I had to do was sit down with my boss and get a plan together for the 'de-aquisition'.

Today I felt weepy. Today I regretted not just taking voluntary. Today I thought 'perhaps tomorrow I will just call in sick'.

I am not a normally depressed, anxious nor panicky person but today I panicked. :(

Monday, April 13, 2015

45, infertile and jealous despite being happy with what I have.

Fucks sake. 

I am in a funk and I think it's because I am suffering a low level of constant jealousy about other people having babies. This doesn't mean that I am pining and whining about it, nor that I begrudge the fact that other people are merrily getting on with expanding their families but...

...Two nephews in three months, fucks sake.  It's just kind of hard. yet I am happy, happy to have my one longed for precious first born who came from a very lucky first time IVF success. I never though I would have another, I never tried to have another, I never fret about him being an only child and in my worst parenting moments I am SO glad that I only have one child to fuck up. But on my god, what could have been if I had tried earlier, if I hadn't 'wasted' so much time with someone who didn't show any interest in having children until the day after he realised I was serious about ending our 13 year relationship. How I wish that I was brave enough to actively try for another. How I wish I could talk out loud to my 'I only want one' husband who, even if I were younger and my eggs were fresher, would still refuse to try for a sibling for my gorgeous boy.

They piss me off, slightly, these people who have so easily popped out their second and third children and weirdly the pictures on Facebook are annoying me despite the fact that my own constant face booking about my son is probably pissing off another infertile person somewhere. They piss m off for achieving something I never could and for just making me feel a teeny tiny bit resentful and worried about having an only child.

But I will get over it. 

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Chloe Goodman, Jeremy Jackson and Ken Morley - Celebrity Big Brother: a sorry tale of victim blame

I wanted to write something about Celebrity Big brother (no really!) which is currently running in the UK with the usual mix of outspoken media motormouths (Katie Hopkins), minor American reality TV stars, national treasures and glamour models. We are only a week in and already two people have been ejected for breaking the rules. Only we are not talking 'trying to escape into the camera run' style rule-breaking, this time it's serious.

The main action has been centred around three people: British Glamour Model and Cameron Diaz bum model - Chloe Goodman (never heard of her before this series), former child actor and American bad boy - Jeremy Jackson (Never watched Baywatch so no idea who he is) and elderly former coronation street actor - Ken Morley. It is Ken Morley and Jeremy Jackson who have been ejected (at separate times) and here is a brief description of why.

Jeremy Jackson was ejected for indecently assaulting Chloe Goodman by opening her dressing gown while she tried to help him after he had vomited in the toilet.

Ken Morley was ejected for failing to heed an official warning about his offensive racist and sexist language.

So... After Chloe Goodman was assaulted, and clearly upset by the fact that someone attempted to remove her clothing without her consent, the producers at channel 5 provided Jeremy Jackson with a single room in another part of the studio (House) while they decided what the appropriate response to the assault should be. This was after they had spoken to a clearly upset and tearful Chloe Goodman and then, maybe because there are two sides to every story or maybe because they had to check with that person who had assaulted her that she wasn't lying, to Jeremy Jackson - both in the Diary room, which was then broadcast to the viewers.

Meanwhile in the house several of the housemates were doing a very good job of minimising the assault and the resulting distress and shock of the victim. While Nadia Sawalha (Actress) did a sterling job of calming Chloe down and getting her help, the men of the house questioned Jackson who justified it as 'curiosity killed the cat' saying that he believed she had a swimming suit on underneath. Callum Best repeatedly advised 'don't make it worse than it is' because clearly, in his mind, it wasn't that bad a thing. As this was playing out Chloe tearfully told Big brother 'I know I have done page three and things, it's a little bit different when it's someone you don't know too well, not that it would be ok for anyone to do that to me' and 'I know I have done page 3 but that was my choice, Jeremy opening up my dressing gown was NOT MY CHOICE'.

In the bedroom Drama Queen Perez Hilton was just about the only person not defending Jackson, though it's hard to tell if his intentions were good. Jeremy Jackson was blaming the alcohol and describing the incident as 'a young girl in there, although I said no I am fine I don't need help, bending over my face in a robe with boobs in my face who happened to have a few malfunctions accidentally and I thought is this another malfunction does she have a bikini on or is she trying to make a pass at me and when I grabbed the tip of her robe to see, she's naked. Why come into a private room with me naked?'

So why did she come into the room? No other reason than to help out another housemate who had an alcoholic past and was throwing up in the toilet. Not to mention the fact that at least two other women were in the room at various points. Oh yes, and SHE WAS NOT NAKED, she was wearing a dressing gown which he then attempted to remove because

A. She is a young girl. (NB she is a 21 year old woman.)
B. She is in a room alone with him
C. He accidentally saw some of her flesh

REALLY? yes really.

But it does not end there. When called to the Diary room to explain himself Jeremy blamed the alcohol and said 'Chloe insisted on coming in and helping me and potentially because of the alcoholic beverages and potentially just out of innocence, curiosity, I was silly enough or bold enough or dumb enough to lift her robe as she was leaning in my face asking me if I was OK or whatever, it just seemed like flirtation to me' Asked if it was acceptable to lift a woman's road he finally conceded it was not acceptable but just a mistake.

A mistake to think that a person coming to your aid while you vomit in a toilet is flirtation. A mistake which at least two other women made but were not subjected to the same treatment.

Later, after Jeremy had been put to bed in another room Ken Morley gave the following advice to Chloe 'you know that Jeremy is a Jewish film producer from New York so don't fuck yourself completely... you know what I am saying... within circles within circles'.

Yep. He did.

Then he asked another older female housemate if she would violently fuck Calum Best. Yes. He. Did.

The next day Ken Morley was given a warning about his racist language, then spoken to about his comments about some of the women in the house including calling a housemate a 'half-slut'. Jeremy Jackson was then removed from the house for wholly unacceptable behaviour. his response was to apologise and insist 'that it was not a ripping open or aggressive move'. He left - on Monday 12th January he was Given a Caution for common assault by Hertfordshire Police.

Ken Morley spent part of the day asking the assault victim, Chloe, where Jeremy Jackson was despite knowing that he had been removed temporarily from the house. When Big brother formally announced it later Ken's response was 'bollox' then 'fuck yourself'.

Chloe was then called to the Diary Room where she said she really liked Jeremy and was upset that he mistook kindness for weakness but that she didn't want it to look like she purposely wanted to get him out of the house. Typically she felt like she had to start minimising what had happened, until Big Brother confirmed to her that she had done nothing wrong. Of course, one of the female housemates then pointed out to Chloe that Jeremy was drunk when he 'did your thing' - minimising once again.

Later, during a Big Brother task Ken Morley was at it again - asking Chloe about being Cameron Diaz's bum double 'Since I have been eviscerated recently for making a remark about women's arses, how come you have made such a profession of revealing yours (Bum)' because clearly Ken thinks that if you show your arse, even professionally, you're fair game. Chloe responded with 'So when I decide I am comfortable to do something under certain circumstances I am OK with that because it's under my control, when somebody else does it for me that's when the shit hits the fan'.

In the diary room he described the situation as ' a boring boring political correctness that's arrived all of a sudden like a latter day Victorianism'.

He later talked to Chloe about the incident with Jeremy saying the implications for Jeremy and her were serious - 'you go into a room with a person that you only know slightly wearing nothing but a robe, I think that's dodgy... it's dangerous...  in a way it's slightly naive' other people minimised it by saying that at 21 Chloe wouldn't know any better (!!) . When confronted about his behaviour by some of the other women in the house and asked about his behaviour and if it was disrespectful, he excused it as being part of the game, as psychological warfare.  Cue Big Brother showing footage of Alexander O'Neal telling Chloe not to get dressed in a certain way saying 'you don't give no man a chance'. It's almost like with every terrible thing a man says they are compelled to show another way in which a female housemate is 'doing it wrong'.

They eventually threw Ken out for his racist comment about Frank Bruno 'Do you think you could turn those Negro rhythms down'.

I really want to take a look at past Big brothers and see what kind of bad behaviour was ignored by Big brother in the past. I have a feeling that I'd be shocked.

Friday, January 09, 2015

Victim Blaming par excellence

So I sent him this (He won't get it)

He didn't get it

So reader I blocked him.

Wednesday, January 07, 2015

some Twitter responses when a father pays a football club to take on the rapist boyfriend of his daughter.

Ched Evans - reasons he should be allowed to play football, according to Twitter.

Well... obviously he can play football, in the local park or the garden, no one is stopping him.
What I want to blog about are the reasons many people on twitter and other social media give, for supporting Oldham Athletic (and presumably other clubs) in their desire to sign the rapist Ched Evans now that he has been released from prison on license.

Over the last couple of days I have been glued to twitter with amazement at the stupidity of the people who support Ched Evans, who think he is innocent, who think he deserves a second chance or just want to have a go at 'the feminazi'. I am not a prolific twitter user, but when something like this happens it's quite hard to drag myself away. So I thought I would compile some of the best (Or worst) comments/arguments.

Firstly though a couple of really good articles about the recent situation:

ched evans has served his time and other misconceptions by Lucy Hunter Johnston

Why Ched Evans Supporters are wrong by Grace Dent

Why do I hate Ched Evans? By Jean Hatchet

EDIT for today's breaking news about How karl Massey, father of Ched Evans' girlfriend will be paying a football club to take Ched Evans on which, however way you look at it, is a bit fucked up.

And so to the tweets and so on.

Isn't he allowed to make a living?

 Of course he is allowed to make a living, hasn't his girlfriend's father offered him a job in the family business? There are a million and one things he could apply to do from working in McDonalds to applying to train as a teacher, though I doubt he'd have much luck with the latter because funnily enough people seem to object to rapists working with children.Can't think why. Yes, if he were a plumber he might be able to go back to his job, if he were self employed and so not likely to have declare that he is a sex offender. However if he were to try getting a job working for his local plumbing firm then maybe he might have a problem, given that his prospective employer might be a bit twitchy about allowing a rapist into other people's homes. So, if he doesn't want to risk that then going on benefits might well be a possibility but to be honest - YES I would be pissed off if he claimed benefits given that a wealthy man has offered him a job in the family business.

But other people have done worse things...

Oh yes. You see, Mike Tyson raped someone and he's an all round good guy that everyone is fine with and we all know there are lots of paedophiles in lots of different respectable professions like politics and broadcasting not to mention the tens of other footballers who have killed, maimed and assaulted people before returning to football glory.

Well... since when has listing the shit things other people have done been a defence for being a nasty little rapist? I really don't get this argument, though it has been latched onto by the twitter knuckle-draggers. Here's a clue you idiots, if you REALLY do believe that it's terrible for football clubs to take back players who have killed and abused people then you need to join and support any current and ongoing campaign which is attempting to change that situation. Sitting behind your computer and posting vile comments about the rape victim or moaning about the ongoing campaign does not help.

OH - and it's ALLOWED, not ALOUD!

He has served his time

Oh no he hasn't but don't let the opportunity to proclaim his innocence pass you by, or the fact that he went through a trial and was found guilty on the evidence presented and then denied at least one appeal.

If you go back to a hotel room or you are drunk you are just asking to be raped by someone who lets himself into the room without permission (you slag).

Yes. 2015 and Twitter is still populated by young men who appear to be admitting that they go out most weekends and rape women who are too drunk to consent, because we all know that being drunk = consent, going to a hotel room = consent, being 'a slag' = consent. Not only that but anyone who is raped most probably is just making it up because they don't want people to know they were a drunken slag.

Look - here are some more. Parents - be proud of the boys you are raising. Or maybe, just maybe, we need to really start looking at the way we educate and mould young men into believing that women are just worthless lying fuck holes.

That Callum is a nice boy, isn't he?

He scores goals

Because some people seem to live their whole lives around football and I just didn't know this was actually a real life thing until I saw it on twitter over and over again. There are some men (boys?) out there for whom football is the be all and end all of everything so it doesn't matter to them one bit if the whole team is made up of rapists - so what, so long as they score goals? Or perhaps even more scarily they are growing up thinking that raping women is just a natural part of being a footballer and something they all dream of doing - if they are not doing it already which judging by some of the comments they probably are.

He is innocent

And when his appeal happens you will all be saying sorry (because he is innocent)

He's been found guilty, in a court, based upon evidence he gave. Reading the Ched Evans website doesn't make you a lawyer, nor a jury member.

Feminists are stupid

Say people who don't even understand what feminism is and who clearly don't like women very much in the first place.

I am bored

Because rape is boring isn't it? All these silly women complaining about not being able to go places without the threat of sexual assault and violence. Rape IS violence by the way.

This is a conversation I had with the person who set up a petition asking Oldham Athletic to sign Ched Evans. Below are some of the reasons people gave when signing the petition.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

People who support the rapist Ched Evans

There's a petition currently running in favour of Sheffied United re-signing the rapist Chedwyn Evans now that he has been released on license from prison after serving half his prison term. It asks people to sign and says

"By signing this petition you believe either Ched is innocent or deserves another chance, no way by signing the petition are you condoning rape."

it makes for interesting reading, not least because of some of the awful comments made by the signatories. Below are a few examples but first here is some information:

The word Innocent is used 235 times. Bearing in mind that this case went to trial where a jury found him Guilty and subsequently his leave to appeal was thrown out.

The phrase 'second Chance' is used 64 times.

75 people think there was a miscarriage of justice.

You can sign the petition asking SUFC not to re-sign him here.

This one is from Ched Evans' girlfriend's father who is bankrolling his attempts to clear his name:

It was just a silly mistake:

Only if we are all rapists?

Here are a series of lovely victim blaming reasons why he should play for Sheffield United:

Yeah, because going to a bedroom means you lose the right to make a choice about who has sex with you.

Yeah, how can men help themselves with all these women out there who just don't respect themselves enough to stay indoors?
But men can stick their penis into women who have blacked out and not expect to be called a rapist?

Because everyone knows if you go back to a hotel with a man it's fair enough for his friend to come and join in too?

Then there are the 'This is just what men do' brigade:

As someone on my Twitter feed pointed out, wouldn't we all feel a heck of a lot safer if all these men who think this is normal were behind bars? Sadly most rapists don't end up in jail.

She did it for money:

No, I'm not sure I understand either.

She did it because she lost her bag:

He's just too good at kicking a ball to lose:

I just don't care:

It's all the fault of those feminists: 

It wasn't really Rape AKA 'for the love of god think about the real rape victims':

(I think Sue is really angry)

Don't you know who the real victim is?:

Let's just be grateful this person no longer works for the CPS:

Lastly - the people who got it slightly wrong:

Erm, yes. If they were trying to make a point it's unfortunate that they would have had to sign the petition to do so