Thursday, September 22, 2016

Redundancy - March 24th 2017

I am 46. I am married to a 40 year old (man). I think my boss, the one who chose my role to be made redundant, is labouring under the misapprehension that I have a rich husband who can pay our mortgage. I think this because it is the only thing that could explain why she has forwarded me a job which would pay me a pre-tax wage of £16,000 and why she thinks I would give up my healthy redundancy payment in favour of a job which pays me £10,000 less than I earn now.

My options are:

Try to get another job here which would mean me retaining my long-service leave and other perks and no gap in employment.

Take the money in march and look for another job or re-train using the very generous redundancy payment I would get.

Find another job now and leave once I have served my notice but without the redundancy payment.

Wednesday, April 06, 2016

How quickly the bitterness can take hold...

Been an absolute age since I poured out anything here but I am going through a redundancy process which, although I have been fairly chipper about up to now, is starting to cause me some anxiety - so where better to come and what better to do that start blogging again?

I don't want to lose my job


I don't think I want to work here any more.

I had the choice of taking voluntary redundancy but have let it go to compulsory - I will be here until March 2017 so I have a regular income and will keep paying into the pension and so on. In the mean time I am supposed to simultaneously work my arse off to find a new job (Here - so I can hold on to all my perks, pay, etc) and 'de-aquisition' everything about my job. De-aquisition. Is that even a word? It's a word my boss presented me with when she suggested we meet up to work out a timescale for the next year in which to completely get rid of all the things that make up my employment.

So it's shit. I know I am going, I have to take part in the process of getting everything sorted.

At first, when I was told, I was shocked but felt a bit buffered by the very good redundancy package that I will get and also the fact that by going to compulsory I am supposedly in a better position as far as getting a new job goes. I cried that day, of course, but I stayed in work and I got on with things.

I have just had a week or so off with B for Easter and today is my first day back. First thing I had to do was sit down with my boss and get a plan together for the 'de-aquisition'.

Today I felt weepy. Today I regretted not just taking voluntary. Today I thought 'perhaps tomorrow I will just call in sick'.

I am not a normally depressed, anxious nor panicky person but today I panicked. :(

Monday, April 13, 2015

45, infertile and jealous despite being happy with what I have.

Fucks sake. 

I am in a funk and I think it's because I am suffering a low level of constant jealousy about other people having babies. This doesn't mean that I am pining and whining about it, nor that I begrudge the fact that other people are merrily getting on with expanding their families but...

...Two nephews in three months, fucks sake.  It's just kind of hard. yet I am happy, happy to have my one longed for precious first born who came from a very lucky first time IVF success. I never though I would have another, I never tried to have another, I never fret about him being an only child and in my worst parenting moments I am SO glad that I only have one child to fuck up. But on my god, what could have been if I had tried earlier, if I hadn't 'wasted' so much time with someone who didn't show any interest in having children until the day after he realised I was serious about ending our 13 year relationship. How I wish that I was brave enough to actively try for another. How I wish I could talk out loud to my 'I only want one' husband who, even if I were younger and my eggs were fresher, would still refuse to try for a sibling for my gorgeous boy.

They piss me off, slightly, these people who have so easily popped out their second and third children and weirdly the pictures on Facebook are annoying me despite the fact that my own constant face booking about my son is probably pissing off another infertile person somewhere. They piss m off for achieving something I never could and for just making me feel a teeny tiny bit resentful and worried about having an only child.

But I will get over it. 

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Chloe Goodman, Jeremy Jackson and Ken Morley - Celebrity Big Brother: a sorry tale of victim blame

I wanted to write something about Celebrity Big brother (no really!) which is currently running in the UK with the usual mix of outspoken media motormouths (Katie Hopkins), minor American reality TV stars, national treasures and glamour models. We are only a week in and already two people have been ejected for breaking the rules. Only we are not talking 'trying to escape into the camera run' style rule-breaking, this time it's serious.

The main action has been centred around three people: British Glamour Model and Cameron Diaz bum model - Chloe Goodman (never heard of her before this series), former child actor and American bad boy - Jeremy Jackson (Never watched Baywatch so no idea who he is) and elderly former coronation street actor - Ken Morley. It is Ken Morley and Jeremy Jackson who have been ejected (at separate times) and here is a brief description of why.

Jeremy Jackson was ejected for indecently assaulting Chloe Goodman by opening her dressing gown while she tried to help him after he had vomited in the toilet.

Ken Morley was ejected for failing to heed an official warning about his offensive racist and sexist language.

So... After Chloe Goodman was assaulted, and clearly upset by the fact that someone attempted to remove her clothing without her consent, the producers at channel 5 provided Jeremy Jackson with a single room in another part of the studio (House) while they decided what the appropriate response to the assault should be. This was after they had spoken to a clearly upset and tearful Chloe Goodman and then, maybe because there are two sides to every story or maybe because they had to check with that person who had assaulted her that she wasn't lying, to Jeremy Jackson - both in the Diary room, which was then broadcast to the viewers.

Meanwhile in the house several of the housemates were doing a very good job of minimising the assault and the resulting distress and shock of the victim. While Nadia Sawalha (Actress) did a sterling job of calming Chloe down and getting her help, the men of the house questioned Jackson who justified it as 'curiosity killed the cat' saying that he believed she had a swimming suit on underneath. Callum Best repeatedly advised 'don't make it worse than it is' because clearly, in his mind, it wasn't that bad a thing. As this was playing out Chloe tearfully told Big brother 'I know I have done page three and things, it's a little bit different when it's someone you don't know too well, not that it would be ok for anyone to do that to me' and 'I know I have done page 3 but that was my choice, Jeremy opening up my dressing gown was NOT MY CHOICE'.

In the bedroom Drama Queen Perez Hilton was just about the only person not defending Jackson, though it's hard to tell if his intentions were good. Jeremy Jackson was blaming the alcohol and describing the incident as 'a young girl in there, although I said no I am fine I don't need help, bending over my face in a robe with boobs in my face who happened to have a few malfunctions accidentally and I thought is this another malfunction does she have a bikini on or is she trying to make a pass at me and when I grabbed the tip of her robe to see, she's naked. Why come into a private room with me naked?'

So why did she come into the room? No other reason than to help out another housemate who had an alcoholic past and was throwing up in the toilet. Not to mention the fact that at least two other women were in the room at various points. Oh yes, and SHE WAS NOT NAKED, she was wearing a dressing gown which he then attempted to remove because

A. She is a young girl. (NB she is a 21 year old woman.)
B. She is in a room alone with him
C. He accidentally saw some of her flesh

REALLY? yes really.

But it does not end there. When called to the Diary room to explain himself Jeremy blamed the alcohol and said 'Chloe insisted on coming in and helping me and potentially because of the alcoholic beverages and potentially just out of innocence, curiosity, I was silly enough or bold enough or dumb enough to lift her robe as she was leaning in my face asking me if I was OK or whatever, it just seemed like flirtation to me' Asked if it was acceptable to lift a woman's road he finally conceded it was not acceptable but just a mistake.

A mistake to think that a person coming to your aid while you vomit in a toilet is flirtation. A mistake which at least two other women made but were not subjected to the same treatment.

Later, after Jeremy had been put to bed in another room Ken Morley gave the following advice to Chloe 'you know that Jeremy is a Jewish film producer from New York so don't fuck yourself completely... you know what I am saying... within circles within circles'.

Yep. He did.

Then he asked another older female housemate if she would violently fuck Calum Best. Yes. He. Did.

The next day Ken Morley was given a warning about his racist language, then spoken to about his comments about some of the women in the house including calling a housemate a 'half-slut'. Jeremy Jackson was then removed from the house for wholly unacceptable behaviour. his response was to apologise and insist 'that it was not a ripping open or aggressive move'. He left - on Monday 12th January he was Given a Caution for common assault by Hertfordshire Police.

Ken Morley spent part of the day asking the assault victim, Chloe, where Jeremy Jackson was despite knowing that he had been removed temporarily from the house. When Big brother formally announced it later Ken's response was 'bollox' then 'fuck yourself'.

Chloe was then called to the Diary Room where she said she really liked Jeremy and was upset that he mistook kindness for weakness but that she didn't want it to look like she purposely wanted to get him out of the house. Typically she felt like she had to start minimising what had happened, until Big Brother confirmed to her that she had done nothing wrong. Of course, one of the female housemates then pointed out to Chloe that Jeremy was drunk when he 'did your thing' - minimising once again.

Later, during a Big Brother task Ken Morley was at it again - asking Chloe about being Cameron Diaz's bum double 'Since I have been eviscerated recently for making a remark about women's arses, how come you have made such a profession of revealing yours (Bum)' because clearly Ken thinks that if you show your arse, even professionally, you're fair game. Chloe responded with 'So when I decide I am comfortable to do something under certain circumstances I am OK with that because it's under my control, when somebody else does it for me that's when the shit hits the fan'.

In the diary room he described the situation as ' a boring boring political correctness that's arrived all of a sudden like a latter day Victorianism'.

He later talked to Chloe about the incident with Jeremy saying the implications for Jeremy and her were serious - 'you go into a room with a person that you only know slightly wearing nothing but a robe, I think that's dodgy... it's dangerous...  in a way it's slightly naive' other people minimised it by saying that at 21 Chloe wouldn't know any better (!!) . When confronted about his behaviour by some of the other women in the house and asked about his behaviour and if it was disrespectful, he excused it as being part of the game, as psychological warfare.  Cue Big Brother showing footage of Alexander O'Neal telling Chloe not to get dressed in a certain way saying 'you don't give no man a chance'. It's almost like with every terrible thing a man says they are compelled to show another way in which a female housemate is 'doing it wrong'.

They eventually threw Ken out for his racist comment about Frank Bruno 'Do you think you could turn those Negro rhythms down'.

I really want to take a look at past Big brothers and see what kind of bad behaviour was ignored by Big brother in the past. I have a feeling that I'd be shocked.

Friday, January 09, 2015

Victim Blaming par excellence

So I sent him this (He won't get it)

He didn't get it

So reader I blocked him.

Wednesday, January 07, 2015

some Twitter responses when a father pays a football club to take on the rapist boyfriend of his daughter.

Ched Evans - reasons he should be allowed to play football, according to Twitter.

Well... obviously he can play football, in the local park or the garden, no one is stopping him.
What I want to blog about are the reasons many people on twitter and other social media give, for supporting Oldham Athletic (and presumably other clubs) in their desire to sign the rapist Ched Evans now that he has been released from prison on license.

Over the last couple of days I have been glued to twitter with amazement at the stupidity of the people who support Ched Evans, who think he is innocent, who think he deserves a second chance or just want to have a go at 'the feminazi'. I am not a prolific twitter user, but when something like this happens it's quite hard to drag myself away. So I thought I would compile some of the best (Or worst) comments/arguments.

Firstly though a couple of really good articles about the recent situation:

ched evans has served his time and other misconceptions by Lucy Hunter Johnston

Why Ched Evans Supporters are wrong by Grace Dent

Why do I hate Ched Evans? By Jean Hatchet

EDIT for today's breaking news about How karl Massey, father of Ched Evans' girlfriend will be paying a football club to take Ched Evans on which, however way you look at it, is a bit fucked up.

And so to the tweets and so on.

Isn't he allowed to make a living?

 Of course he is allowed to make a living, hasn't his girlfriend's father offered him a job in the family business? There are a million and one things he could apply to do from working in McDonalds to applying to train as a teacher, though I doubt he'd have much luck with the latter because funnily enough people seem to object to rapists working with children.Can't think why. Yes, if he were a plumber he might be able to go back to his job, if he were self employed and so not likely to have declare that he is a sex offender. However if he were to try getting a job working for his local plumbing firm then maybe he might have a problem, given that his prospective employer might be a bit twitchy about allowing a rapist into other people's homes. So, if he doesn't want to risk that then going on benefits might well be a possibility but to be honest - YES I would be pissed off if he claimed benefits given that a wealthy man has offered him a job in the family business.

But other people have done worse things...

Oh yes. You see, Mike Tyson raped someone and he's an all round good guy that everyone is fine with and we all know there are lots of paedophiles in lots of different respectable professions like politics and broadcasting not to mention the tens of other footballers who have killed, maimed and assaulted people before returning to football glory.

Well... since when has listing the shit things other people have done been a defence for being a nasty little rapist? I really don't get this argument, though it has been latched onto by the twitter knuckle-draggers. Here's a clue you idiots, if you REALLY do believe that it's terrible for football clubs to take back players who have killed and abused people then you need to join and support any current and ongoing campaign which is attempting to change that situation. Sitting behind your computer and posting vile comments about the rape victim or moaning about the ongoing campaign does not help.

OH - and it's ALLOWED, not ALOUD!

He has served his time

Oh no he hasn't but don't let the opportunity to proclaim his innocence pass you by, or the fact that he went through a trial and was found guilty on the evidence presented and then denied at least one appeal.

If you go back to a hotel room or you are drunk you are just asking to be raped by someone who lets himself into the room without permission (you slag).

Yes. 2015 and Twitter is still populated by young men who appear to be admitting that they go out most weekends and rape women who are too drunk to consent, because we all know that being drunk = consent, going to a hotel room = consent, being 'a slag' = consent. Not only that but anyone who is raped most probably is just making it up because they don't want people to know they were a drunken slag.

Look - here are some more. Parents - be proud of the boys you are raising. Or maybe, just maybe, we need to really start looking at the way we educate and mould young men into believing that women are just worthless lying fuck holes.

That Callum is a nice boy, isn't he?

He scores goals

Because some people seem to live their whole lives around football and I just didn't know this was actually a real life thing until I saw it on twitter over and over again. There are some men (boys?) out there for whom football is the be all and end all of everything so it doesn't matter to them one bit if the whole team is made up of rapists - so what, so long as they score goals? Or perhaps even more scarily they are growing up thinking that raping women is just a natural part of being a footballer and something they all dream of doing - if they are not doing it already which judging by some of the comments they probably are.

He is innocent

And when his appeal happens you will all be saying sorry (because he is innocent)

He's been found guilty, in a court, based upon evidence he gave. Reading the Ched Evans website doesn't make you a lawyer, nor a jury member.

Feminists are stupid

Say people who don't even understand what feminism is and who clearly don't like women very much in the first place.

I am bored

Because rape is boring isn't it? All these silly women complaining about not being able to go places without the threat of sexual assault and violence. Rape IS violence by the way.

This is a conversation I had with the person who set up a petition asking Oldham Athletic to sign Ched Evans. Below are some of the reasons people gave when signing the petition.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

random logging of stuff

Just trying to collate some links and things to do with my continuing thoughts about the abuse stuff.


British False memory Syndrome
Bob Wolfendale



this man


Sunday, March 02, 2014

On why I still haven't reported the historical sexual abuse

So. I wrote before about how I had been abused by a (now dead) family friend as a child and how I was going to report it to the police because I felt like I have a responsibility to the other women who did report it only to see him cleared of all charges. I want to speak up because if it ss recorded somewhere officially then perhaps it will help somehow in the future, perhaps people will believe those women who came forward.

Trouble is I still haven't made that call. Main reason being, as I said before, that I will have to tell a complete stranger something I was oly recently able to put downon paper and I am worried they won't believe me.

There are so man reasons why I am holding back.

Will people think I am making it up?
Will the fact that I am not a complete wreck mean that people won''t believe me?
Will anything be done?

And now there's an added complication in that I noticed this person has been mentioned in a daily mail report on the recent PIE / civil liberty debacle.  Do the daily mail have a reason to mention his name? Are they aware of his reputation or have they got more dirt to publish? If I 'come out' now am I just going to be viewed as coming out of the woodwork with a made up story for fame or money? 

Could I end up beng targeted by the Daily Mail?

Scary thought.

Reading through all the old reports from the time of the trial I can see statements from victims who almost unanimously were too afraid to tell their parents because they felt they wouldn't be believed, particularly as they were making accusations against a solicitor who was well respected. These women only came forward in later life because they had been encouraged by other people who had. In fact the only reason this solicitor was questioned in the first place was because a mother reported him to the police after he approached her asking to take her daughter out on a trip.  It was after this was reported that people started to come forwards and he faced two different trials as a result.

After he was cleared he spoke up about 'false memory' syndrome and about how those who were accused of sexual crimes should have their identities protected. Interesting, that an abuser would be so keen for false memory syndrome to be exaggerated and that he should wish other abusers to be given anonymity. After all, that would certainly put a stop to other victims feeling brave enough to come forward.

The whole thing stinks.

Thursday, February 06, 2014

I am telling the truth about my abuser, as were the other girls who were not believed.

I had yet another conversation with a (male) workmate today about the naming of people accused of rape, This was the result of the 'Not Guilty' verdict in the recent case against the actor William Roach. My workmate was very vocal about the fact that those accused of rape should not have their names in the press. I pointed out that lots of other people accused of different crimes have their names published in the press, so why should those accused of sexual crimes be singled out and NOT have their names put out there? He, my workmate, said that he thought the idea that it would encourage other victims to come forward was stupid and that lots of people come forward to make false accusations for various reasons including money. I pointed out that false claims were really very rare and that it took a lot for rape cases to reach a court. My workmate thinks it's ridiculous that people wait years to come forward and that if they do then it's basically too late and they should have come forward at the time.


I want to put my story down in black and white to give an example of why I think it is important that rape and abuse victims feel safe and confident about coming forward years after the abuse took place. Why the release of an abuser's name really can help other people who were afraid to speak up, those who thought they might be disbelieved, or who thought that it was just too long ago to make a difference.

At Christmas my sister and I took a day off work, left our children in childcare/with their dad, and went out for a whole day of shopping, lunching and fun. We even did a bit of ice skating. As the evening drew in and on the way back to the train station we stopped off in a cafe for a piece of cake and cup of tea and my sister said 'Do you have any memories about I*** G*****'? As she said it I felt a mixture of feelings flow through my body... fear, adrenalin, release... was I really going to have to talk about this?

I*** G***** was taken to court charged with 10 counts of indecent assault and one of gross indecency against girls aged 6 - 10 over a 21 year period. I*** G***** was a prominent Solicitor who was involved in the Birmingham Six case and was a friend of my father's; I*** G***** was found not guilty on all counts.

I have no doubt at all that he was guilty and the reason is this.

 I remember an incident in the late 1970s where, during an outing with Mr G***** and his wife, I was taken to the toilet by this prominent solicitor (alone - though I was quite old enough - 8/9 - to go to the toilet on my own and to tell him when I needed to go to the toilet and in this case I had told him I didn't need to go but he insisted on taking me) and he attempted to put his hands inside my knickers, in fact he succeeded in putting his hands inside my knickers.

There we are... I have said it. For so many years I had not spoken these words to anyone, I did not ever write them down. I did not ever think that there would be any circumstances in which I would tell another person until my sister said 'Do you have any memories about Ivan G*****' and then I realised that she knew too.

What my sister can remember is that the G****** had offered to take me, my older sister and my younger brother to a theatre production of Pinoccio at the Felin Fach theatre near where we lived in West Wales. I do not remember any of these specifics, I just remember where we lived and that we had gone to a theatre - what to see or where I did not remember until my sister filled in the gaps. Apparently this was his modus operandi, befriend  families from deprived backgrounds with young children and act as a kindly grandfather figure. On this night my parents were in the bar while he and his wife took us to the performance. My sister remembers that he all of a sudden, during the performance, said I probably needed to go to the toilet. My sister attempted to interject, asking if I needed to go and telling him that I could let him know myself if I wanted to go. He insisted that I must need to and off we went. I remember being in a corridor, I remember curtains, I remember the confusion I felt about why he was taking me to the toilet when I didn't want to go and the uncertainty I felt about what he was doing when he put his fingers into my underwear. I remember there was another time, probably after this incident, where he offered to take me to the toilet on another outing in the presence of my parents and I very firmly refused. I remember that I stopped looking at him as a very kindly old family friend and very much didn't want to be alone with him.

In recent years I started using the internet to research various things and people from my past and at some point I came across reports about I*** G***** and what he had been accused of. By now he was a very elderly gentleman and as time went buy I once again put it to the back of my mind. Coincidentally both me and my sister were doing the same thing, by now G***** had died and he was celebrated in Obituaries as a man involved with justice, truth and most famously the trial and release of the Birmingham Six. When my sister asked me that question I realised that I still feel very angry about what happened and my anger grew worse as I realised how other young girls, who had come forward as adults, had been disbelieved.

All of the above is why I think it is important that those accused of sexual assault are named, why I think it helps other victims come forward and why I don't think victims who come forward many years later are doing it for fame or money or kicks.

Incidentally - after the conversation with my sister I emailed the West Midlands police and asked what I should do. Could I still report an assault once the person had died? My main motivation being that I want those other women to be believed, I don't think Ivan G***** should go to the grave with people thinking that he was blameless. The response from West midlands police was very friendly and told me to call the non emergency number and tell them the details. This was back in December 2013 and I am still plucking up the courage to do it, mainly because I question if they will actually believe me and I very anxious about having to give details like those I wrote about above to a stranger on the phone who, given some of the cases you read about, probably won't believe me anyway.

I suppose my workmate might want me to forget it happened, he is dead anyway.

I think it's also important to note that this incident was the second time in my life that I was a victim of sexual abuse or attempted abuse, a year or so earlier an older child had taken me away from my house, friends and family and attempted to abuse me in a barn. It was only because my dad came looking for me that he stopped. I didn't tell my dad. I was about 7 or 8. Isn't awful that by the age of 10 I had already faced this kind of thing twice! 

More on those who weren't believed

Similarities are striking but this doesn't mean I am bandwagon jumping.

Further reading:

Linconshire Police  recorded a third of Rape reports as 'no crime'.
Essex police officer charged with failing to properly investigate a rape claim.
Wrong Questions asked of victims.
Rape investigations 'undermined by belief that false accusations are rife'